Today arses have been bothering me. Two of them mostly……

First, my own reasonably well-padded but nonetheless soft and beautifully formed!!! I was on my way downstairs this morning to ‘cook’ breakfast (in as much as you cook toast with nutty butty) when my dear, beloved Arch managed to cause me injury for the second time in a couple of months.

Today it was my arse he got….in the loosest of senses of course. He was behind me on the stairs, going faster than me, he decided the gap on the side he was on wasn’t big enough for him to squeeze through and so crossed over behind me and just pushed my foot off the edge of the stair so I landed with a huge crunch on my arse and then bumped down the rest of the flight, ending up in a crumpled heap on the floor inside our front door.

I have been in agony ever since, not wanting to sit down or to need to get up from sitting because it’s so painful. I’ve stood through several meetings at work and spent my time pacing around the office as though possessed. One of my colleagues suggested I get him to lick it better but I thought that was just a tad beyond the bounds of decency!

This isn’t the first time my lovely Archie has been responsible for painful injury to myself – it was he in the doorway of our sitting room in the days before setting off for the USA that I took evasive action to prevent a kick to him and ended up breaking my toe. Youch!

Is this my third mishap – along with the Salmonella so am I now free of these things for a bit? Who knows, I certainly hope so.

The second arse of today is a dear guest called something like ‘saddo’ – oh no, I forget, it was ‘sadu’ rather than ‘saddo’ wasn’t it – somehow I think the former is more appropriate. Anyway this charming person left a deeply unpleasant message on a diary entry from last summer when I went to see Edwyn Collins play in London. This person posed a question…..I will repeat it here so everyone who reads my diary can see what a sick mind this person has…

‘Is the c*nt dead?’ was his question. Now call me old-fashioned but I think it’s extremely bad-mannered, not to mention insensitive, that while Edwyn lies in a hospital bed after two cerebral haemorrhages and brain surgery, fighting to regain a life, someone should pose this question.

I have, of course, removed the offending message and only repeat it to expose this sick individual for what they are.

If you are reading this ‘saddo’ please take a few moments to reflect on how you would feel if you were a member of the man’s family and surfing around looking to see how people view him while he’s ill and come across this comment. Or, think again, what if you’d had the haemorrhages and someone had written this about you. Not a nice feeling huh?

So, as they say 'kiss my arse'.

My final word on arses is that I have noticed a pbase trend of young women looking terrified or just plain miserable getting their kit off for the gratification of the men in their lives so they can splash their trophy girls all across the internet. A tip – if your girlfriend/wife looks miserable in the shot then she probably is. How great does that make you feel?

Oh and yes - idea for pic knicked from DM - but then he's an inspiration to many so why not me?

A year ago I was having odd conversations with a nutcase and two years ago, Archie, my gorgeous tormentor was climbing trees.