I’m the world’s worst for needing to control things and I’m sure that a biggish chunk of my work stress that led to this depression came from being thrust into a situation over which I had no control but for which I felt the weight of the responsibility deeply and acutely.

I’m basically rubbish at waiting for things to work through. This trait has sent me into a frenzy over the last couple of years. I’ve been completely beside myself trying to shape destiny that won’t be shaped by me no matter how hard I try. I’ve used the phrase everything I’ve touched has crumbled to dust and while I am still convinced that is true, I’m now starting to think that maybe I should have chosen to touch other things or just not to have touched the things I did touch…..if you see what I mean.

Anyway, I am now forced by dint of my own incapacity for any more to simply wait for myself to heal. I’m watching the detectives (he’s so cute) all day and by night I’m listening to DM play his guitar while I lie on the sofa with the dogs.

While I’ve been waiting for myself to heal, I’ve found that a few other things have been happening around me that I’d been fretting over a while ago but couldn’t make happen and now, seemingly because I’m no longer fretting about them, they’re just plopping into place. The new cabinets and mantle shelf arrived today, which means the sitting room of our house is now “complete” furnishing-wise. We ordered them from a local craftsman last July and they’ve just arrived so it’s been a long wait but well worth it.

Now, I lie on the sofa with the fruits of more than a year of labour in abundance all around me. All of that, solid and there. DM, his guitar, two dogs and me – we all look like ghosts but that’s our spirits occupying the space in our room.

last year - duck tales.