First let me apologise for the week-long wait for this posting (she, as in me, is kidding herself at this juncture that anyone gives a shit). I must confess that more-or-less for the first time since I started this, I am lost for words because, pure and simple, I am so full of things to say that just can’t be said. I’ve had to just sit it out for a week and wait until I felt that I could say something that would encapsulate it without saying anything that would compromise a dire situation even more. However, I have got photos every day – even in this dreadful situation, I find myself unable to let go completely of my PAD that’s now been running for 1678 days without missing a single one……and I promise to get them up to date so that the real 1685 days will be online in the next few days.

I’ve come to the point of praying for a miracle and considering what a devoted atheist I am this will tell you the level of desperation in my heart. I’ve tried all else and nothing has worked so this is my very last resort. So, I was in a restaurant with three lovely people who didn’t deserve a blubbing, emotional, smelly wreck ruining their evening and the restaurant was Hindu. I mean no offence when I say that I’d try praying to anyone’s God at this stage so Ganesha – let’s give him a go…..

When I say smelly I mean it – I’ve long held the view that how you smell is a powerful indicator of your well-being and on the train on my way to meet Gail, Nicky and Rose I could smell the most dreadful smell – I thought a tramp must have been seated near to me. I realised with a dull thud that it was me – I could smell my own fear and misery welling up from my pores.

I’m sorry this is so gloomy but I never promised you a rose garden, I promised you real-life. Believe it or not, I've actually been trying to avoid the elephant in the corner but it won't go away, every time I open my eyes it's still there.

last year, I was being a vile and inconsiderate "wife".