So what of the future? I don’t suppose any of us really know what is around the next corner but what I have found out in recent times is that you can never tell. Without sounding too depressed or depressing, it strikes me that our futures are by no means certain.

I know that I have certain responsibilities – I need to take better care of myself, working for 16 hours a day isn’t good for me in any sense. It makes me too tired to care about much, too dull to have anything to say, too exhausted to treat David in the way he deserves. I can’t get back the hours I’ve lost in my personal life but maybe I can make sure fewer of them get lost in future. I need to work less and play more.

I know that in order to achieve my goals I will need to grasp a few nettles and tread a few stony paths but I also know that only by doing that will I get the satisfaction of knowing I didn’t let life pass me by. I have to go out and get the things I want. I want to be the one who ‘saw the whole of the moon’ rather than the crescent as the Waterboys wonderful song illuminates beautifully.

They are by and large not materialistic things.

I want to have a garden I can feel proud of, I want to grow more of our food and not be ashamed that when I show people my veggie patch that it’s full of weeds and you have to look hard to spot the food in the mess of jungle!

I want my dogs to be happy. I don’t want to have to see their unhappy faces too often as I shove a suit and overnight things into a bag for yet another work trip. I want to be the one who walks them sometimes in the week. Most of all I want to sit on the sofa with Rosie on my knee and Archie by my feet.

Topping all of these things though, I want to make David happy. I want him to look forward to me coming home in the evening and for him to feel that when I’m here he gets the best of me. I don’t want to be a drone who comes home exhausted and miserable any more.

These embers of our yule log have been carefully wrapped by David and placed under the ‘mistresses’ bed – that’s me! It’s supposed to bring us luck, happiness and continuity…..that’s fine by me! They will be brought out and used to kindle the yule log next year.

Christmas yet to come – as I said, who knows…..but if I can do anything to make any of the above happen for us then I will. Next year I want to feel as though something I did mattered.