PART ONE is here http://www.pbase.com/flying_fox_tony/my_beautiful_wife That was Part One.

20.8.10 - I stupidly deleted all my original notes from this point on, to 24.8.10, so what follows is more a run down of these days rather than the heart felt original that I put in as it happened. I will do it in the past and present tense, however it comes out.
I woke up feeling excited and nervous as I had an appointment to "see" Sue this morning. My plan was to walk Bess to Sue then on to mums for the rest of the day. I left home about 9.45 and whilst I didn't run to see Sue I didn't dawdle either, my usual pace, which is quite quick. I was welcomed at the funeral home and asked to sit and wait a minute. I was then taken to a door, I know what was behind the door and felt quite unsure as to what to expect of myself. I stopped and Gave the lady a card to go with the flowers that I had bought to go on the coffin. The card was a picture I had taken years previously when Sue and I had travelled to Jersey for a holiday. It was of Jersey lighthouse in a storm.
I walked into the room the lady did not enter, she just pushed the door open and backed away and went about her business. What I first saw was a wooden box, the coffin, it did not seem real in the least, the next thing i saw was Sue's nose and forhead, I had to get closer to see into the coffin. Sue looked so at peace, so comfortable, healthier than she had in a while. This notepad is a pain, I wrote more after this, which I will rewrite again, but lost it. I touched Sue a few times, but she was so cold, freezing really, they were not romantic touches, but tentitive finger touches. The cold chilled me to the marrow. Her "warmth" came from her spirit and her presence. Bess settled down quite quickly, relaxed. I had taken my speech with me to read to Sue, I wanted to read it to her first so that I would be practiced for tomorrow. I read it twice, the first reading was to the side of Sue, so i could only see Sue out the corner of my eye. I whispered it alouid, as I did not want people to think I had gone mad and was talking to myself. The second time I read it was with the speech over Sue's chest and I read it to her face. I could see her smiling to parts of it. I really did think that at any moment she would smile, or get up, or open her eyes. I sent my dad a message to say where I was and asked if he wanted me to read a message back to her from him. He replied that he missed her a lot and that she was like a daughter to him. His message brought my tears back again. I stayed about half an hour in total, as usual I didn't really want to leave, but as Sue would have joked, "you have to leave me now and see eleven men", the cricket was on at 11am. She often joked that she had to make an appointment to see me when cricket was on, this time the tables were turned and I had to make an appointment to see her. I think she would have been tickled.

21.8.10 - The day of the funeral.
I woke up early with my heart pounding in my chest. I made a cup of tea in the early hours and restlessly stayed in bed, waiting for a respectable time to get up. Nothing much happened of the morning, I went to mums and watched some cricket until 1pm. I then drove to the hotel where Geoff and Margaret were staying, and where Sue's bridemaid from the wedding was waiting for me. I drove the three of them to my house, they were to share the limo with me. I got them to my home by about 1.30. Dad was already there, dad and I both drove our cars out to the crematorium. I wanted my car there so I could drive myself back to the "pub" after when I was ready and leave there for home when I was ready. i wanted my own total independance. Not sure how it happened but even though I left the house after dad, I got there first, he got lost! Anyway, he finally made it to the crematorium just after 2pm. I left my car and he drove me back home. I made a cup of tea and dad went to leave at about 2.30 to get to the crematorium, this time to stay for the service. When I opened the front door of the house to let him out i noticed the horse and carriage had arrived, they were early. Dad left. I went out to them and asked did we have a few minutes spare, a couple yes. I needed the loo, locked up and joined the family by the limo. When I first saw the horse and carriage I was ok, the funeral director asked how I was coping and i said fine. Once I sat in the car behind the carriage the reality hit me as did the tears. The head rest of the front seat blocked my view quite a bit, but i could see the carriage with the coffin in it. The main memory i have now is of the moon bear looking back at me. He was sitting proudly on top of the coffin. Sitting inside the coffin with Sue was another moon bear, a small cuddly cat with angle wings, a meerkat and a parrot. Dad got the parrot when Sue was in hospital in Feb 2009, straight after she lost the leg. I also put a copy of the speech that I was going to make later in with her when i saw heryesterday, I had said to her yesterday, if I messed the speech up, she could do it for me now she has her own copy. One of the other memories of following the carriage was the horses hooves, in total unison clippety clop. Geoff was not comfortable, i think he really suffered on the slow prolonged journey. But Sue had specifically requested horse and carriage. At the time when she talked about it I thought that is a lot of extra money, but as her time got closer and especially afterwards, i thought, no, you are more than worth it. Especially as dad said he would pay for that part of it. Not one to be arguementitive, i readily agreed! Anyway, he is paying some money towards the funeral, so if ever Sue questions me, i will say, i did the horse and carriage and dad did a bit of the rest. See, there are ways and means of getting around these things!
I cried a couple of times on the journey, once at the begining and once near the end of it. But mostly I was quite composed. We followed the carriage around the back streets. The journey took 40 minutes, we arrived early at 3.15pm. Many mourners were already present. We waited a few minutes on the verge within the grounds. After a short wait we were driven still following the carriage to the front entrance. The funeral director came up to my side of the window and asked if I wanted to get out and chat with the mourners, not really at that time, but where was the loo.

This is the order of service.
Enter to Westlife My Love.
Welcome by Ray.
Hymn, All Things Bright and Beautiful.
My Speech.
A time for personal reflextions with a song by Tricia Yearwood, How Do I live. (yes, from Con Air)
Sue's mum introduced a CLOSE family friend who did a poem.
Music Louis armstrong What a Wonderful World.
Tribute lead by Ray. This was adlib, so no copy to add here.
Hymn, Eternal Father Strong to Save.
Committal.
Mourners left to music - Louis Armstrong, We Have All the Time in the World.
I remained in the chappel to spend a few last minutes "with" Sue listening to Westlife, My Love.

The music either was something chosen by Sue previously, or was something we used to listen to in the car, or was something chosen by me that had some meaning.

My speech -
A beautiful girl walked into my life ten and a half years ago, unfortunately she buggered off after 2 days, obviously that was as much as Sue could stand.
However she had taken her first step into my heart.
Thankfully Sue took her second step into my heart exactly ten years ago when she managed to spend a week with me in August 2000.

We had some terrific holidays to Florida, Thailand, Jersey and Dartmoor. It was Dartmoor that we regularly revisited.
The last ten years have been the best ten years of my life.

I will be able to hear Sue’s voice in my head when my eyes drift to some ugly old bat in a mini skirt. She will be saying, “I can see what you are looking at,” with a big smile on her face.
When Sue and I were watching a Twenty 20 cricket match and one of the batsmen hit a six the dancing girls would get up in their mini skirts and I would shout out, “show us your knickers”.
Sue had a terrific sense of humour that matched my stupidity.
The icing on the cake was when Sue said “I do” and married me nearly six years ago.

We had been married for two years before she was blighted by cancer.
Against all the odds she fought bravely for four years.
I was proud and honoured to stand shoulder to shoulder with her and personally care for Sue at the end. No one else could care for Sue like I could and when help was offered I politely asked them to sod off and let me care for sue myself.

Sue was tragically stolen from me long before her time was due.
I spent the last two weeks carrying Sue up and downstairs. The pleasure was mine.
Dad gave Sue a parrot to take on her journey, I gave her a meerkat and mum gave her an angel cat and then a moon bear. I said to mum “I hope you realise I have to drag this extra weight across Dartmoor.” The pleasure will be mine.

Sue was the most wonderful person anyone could have ever met, quietly spoken, always listening. The perfect wife.
She was never deceitful, only ever delightful.
Sue always put others first, often at her own cost.

Sue was a great girl, her kind will not pass this way again and our loss is surely heavens gain.
End of Speech.

After the service everyone left for the "pub". I remained and spent about 10 minutes in the grounds. I took the flowers, as they would only get dumped after a few days. I left a single carnation. The carnation was one of sue's favourite flowers, though we never grew them. also the carnation has a personal significance for me. So I left her one. i took the flowers and the ones that could go in a vase are now in a vase, the two displays are on the rockery in the garden out back home.

I looked at my phone whilst still at the crematorium, and one of the last messages that I had from Sue said "glad you got there safely and parked ok. All fine here, lots of love, Sue xx" That message could have been sent to me on that day, it would have fitted in perfectly. However it was sent a month previously when I went to an airshow alone.

I drove to the "pub", but only stayed about 20 minutes, I really wanted some time alone. I went home and watched the Steve Irwin tribute from 2006. Ironically he died a monthish before all sue's problems kicked off. After that we got interested in his work and watch many of his programs together.

I had dinner with Geoff and Margaret that evening. A lady was there who had sadly missed the ceremony, but she had a little bag with some gifts for Sue, sadly she had missed Sue by a week to give them to her personally, so she gave them to me. One item was a small wolf cuddly toy, she said to call it Wolfie. I must admit to openly breaking down and crying in the restaurant over that little wolf. The wolf now sits on my televison stand watching over the lounge and me, keeping he beedy eye on me.



22.8.10 - This is one bit that was backed up, so may repeat a bit of the above. Someone sent me an email asking if the funeral was surreal. It was surreal, the funny thing is I thought about using that word in my speech or in this diary, but I was not 100% sure of the meaning, I was at mums at the time, so had no way of checking it. Walking behind Sue was like in a trance. I was probably the scruffiest there, but I was comfortable. I wore smart trousers, grey, they are Arctryx, really walking trousers, but too nice for the hills and an open neck short sleeved white shirt. Smart shoes, not my usual trainers! I really can't believe it is all over, to be honest. It is badly affecting dad as well. He worked very closely with Sue and cooked meals at work twice a week for her.

The heart was not beating so bad this morning, but still quite fast. It happened when I was with Sue if we were doing anything new, I think I do get stressed and nervous very easily and don't like change or getting out of my comfort zone. That is why Sue was so good for me, as she was able to keep me in my zone, but get me comfortably out of it, as I always knew she was in reach. I really struggled to enjoy the airshows much this year, in that I missed Sue, we kept in touch with messages so i knew she was there. I still look at my phone longingly, waiting to see if there is a message. When I was alone at the crematorium yesterday at the very end after everyone had left I checked my phone, I had to delete a lot, but the last message from Sue was "glad you got there safely and parked ok. All fine here, Lots of love Sue x". The ironic thing that message fitted perfectly to the situation i was in. Only it was sent during an airshow a month ago.

I went out to the crematorium about an hour before it started as i wanted my car there to get me home, i wanted my own transport, my own independence, hence I was able to linger after. Anyway, I got there and dad was coming in his car to drive me home. I waited and waited, and at least 10 minutes passed, despite the fact he left before me, and bare in mind I had never been there myself before either, he got lost on the way. Just as well it was an hour before anything was happening.

The funeral procession took the back streets to the crematorium, it took quite a long time, a good 40 minutes. I think it was a bit much for Geoff.

The other time that I cried in the service was when Ray told everyone that I would take Sue on her last journey to Dartmoor on 26 September. What life can throw at you in 6 years.
I am glad I paid for the extra half hour, it was well worth it and made it much more special and less rushed. I can imagine Sue saying, Only you would have done such a wonderful thing.

I think this week will be harder, there are still things to do, need to go to the solicitor and get a certified copy of the will to the bank. Exciting and romantic stuff. I walked Bess at 7.30 today, never in my life have I walked a dog so early. Being snuggled up to a lovely warm female body is much nicer, esp when it is one I loved as much as Sue. I don't much fancy snuggling up to a wet furry body like Bess.
When we all met up after the funeral last night in the local "pub" I only stayed about 20 minutes, I just wanted to be alone really and not have people all over me, that just makes it worse. I guess we all have different ways of trying to deal with it.
I spoke to dad, there is me sounding a bit upbeat, and him so down. I am only upbeat as I am recounting the previous day with Sue, and smiling at my daft remarks here. As I do consider it a day shared with her, and writing about it just helps confirm that mirage.

23.8.10 - I was out in the car today and it drove me to the crematorium, I say it drove me there as it was not my original intention of going. We had this in house joke that if I drove somewhere that I was not necessarily intending on going it was the car that took me. When I got there I looked for the lone carnation that I had left Sue, but could not initially see it. It had been moved and I feared destroyed. But to the side is a floral tribute section. It had been moved there. Looking at it made me very sad indeed, in fact I cried as I had not before, I managed to get a picture of it on my mobile phone camera. I walked away distressed, and headed for the building where the service had been, only a few dozen steps away. The door was open, I stepped in and it all flooded back. It was very sad indeed, and I cried again, I walked to where the coffin had been resting on a sort of table thing and leaned on it and cried again. I went back to the lone carnation and thought about Sue. i could imagine her saying that whilst I walked off with all the flowers, I left one for her. She would also say, that only I would be so thoughtful as to leave her one. As I walked to the car it started to rain. I felt that she had decided to make it rain to make me leave before I could vent more sorrow. I could imagine Sue saying in my head "go now before you get wet." Always thinking of others first. I got back home, wrote something like that into pbase and then promptly deleted everything from pbase.
I was backed up to the 16th as that was in Word on my PC, but since my PC is messing me about I have been typing directly into pbase and of course not backing up what I type! I will from now on type into Notepad and copy and paste to pbase, then when my PC up and running properly I can get it all sorted properly.

24.8.10 - Hope you like the new images, took them a month ago, but I was so busy caring for Sue i never got around to posting them. Mind you, better to "end" with some pretty images. I did go back out to the crematorium this morning. I don't want it to sound macabre, but I felt that I wanted to, I think they will be removing the floral plaque tomorrow. I enquired about having a perminent name plaque put up, maybe put it in the garden they have there, then I or anyone can visit her name. She won't be there in "body" but will be there in spirit. Her ashes will be on Dartmoor. I will think on that, the cost is about £300 for 15 years. It is, to be blunt, a cost I could do without. I asked, there is no "rush". I took my flask of boiling water and tea and made a cuppa by her single carnation. I was told that she had been "picked up" yesterday. I guess the funeral director will be in touch soon.
I counted the money raised via my dads shop, £70 so far and there is more from there to come. I don't at this time know how much was donated at the funeral, but when i do i will let you know. I counted the number of cards i have received, 56. I won't be replying to them, sorry, but thank you to all who sent them.

That pretty much has me back up to dateish. As I said at the top, i will keep and eye on Google cache and if that does have a snap shot of what i deleted I can get it back and stick it after all this. not deleing all this as i have spent sometime redoing it.

25.8.10 - Time is flying, it was 10 days ago that I lost my beloved wife, but still I tick on, like some old timepiece. I will up the ante this afternoon and watch The Expendables with mum. So far the evenings have not been too bad, but it is still early days, last night and the previous night I watched the first two Die Hard films. I am getting all the usual stuff up together, the car is soon to be sold. There is no reason to keep it sadly. The MOT runs out this month, as does the tax, so it will cost more to keep than to pass it on. I have sent or am in the process of sending all the documentation to the banks and pensions etc. Sue did not have much so there is little to worry about there. The weather this morning is very wet.
I contacted the doctor last week and asked if they could arrange collection of some of the gear Sue was loned over the last year. The small ramp is first on the list to go. I will keep the big ramp, that is mine, I bought that.

I actually had a few tears in my eyes during the film The Expendables. It was not a sad film, far from it, but there was a moral, sort of. The end credits played out to The Boys are Back in Town by Thin Lizzy, or as i used to joke with Sue, Tin Lizzy. Sue used to like some of the Thin Lizzie songs, she took me to a music evening thingeemejig played by a tribute band, bit of a racket, to be honest, but how i would take that back. I will forever remember the sound of Thin Lizzy. It made me quite sad hearing that. During the film there was a scene that reminded me of The Wild Geese, in that film it was a sad scene, and Sly obviously wants to save the girl, just like I tried. He was successful, where I wasn't, I was only able to give happiness, but over saving a life, that was not much consolation. Maybe a gun would have helped. Yes, in fact I think it would have. So it was a good film but overal I was sad through it, I just could not get Sue out of my mind and the last time we had been to the cinema together, Robin Hood I think. Sue was getting a bit weak at the time that film was out, but she still managed to walk in with her crutches, and still managed to mount the first two steps so we were not right in front of the screen.
God damit, that was another quote, but that was one that Sue liked to quote now and again, she quoted it only when Andy Roddick was playing tennis, as he said it once and Queen's and Sue never forgot it. It is applicable here as it is what I am thinking. The car has now been sold and the insurance stopped. God damit. I actually feel sick, I am making a few quid out of my dead wife, how sick is that! Would rather have her back than make money out of her. God dam bloody awful weather doesn't help either.
Mind you got to smile past the tears, Bess is nuzzling me around the laptop. I am not sure if you are aware now that I lost my original story over the weekend if you you why I am using a laptop so much at the moment. It was early mid last week when my main PC went down. It works but it is very sick and needs to be reinstalled with Windows. That is a job for another day. I can access my email, but as the anti virus is down i dare not stay online for more than a minute. Also Internet Explorer does not work at all in any event. Thankfully, jammy dodger that I am, yes another of sue's quotes, an original one that, all her idea!, dad had a laptop that he was not using, so I philfered it. Only it has no word processor on it, only Notepad, so that is what I am now using. I type into notepad, save and copy and paste to pbase. What I was doing before, ie over the weekend was typing directly to pbase, not backing up. Ops, learnt from that mistake!
I did check the Google cache just now, it backed up on the 23rd, so after I deleted everything. So it just has my short message saying sh*t, just deleted it all!! Oh well, the idea was sound. I guess my jammy dodgyerness had to end with one thing at least. Hopefully it will be back for something more important. Pbase have got back to me, I replied, see if they have backup, but doubt it.
I have no idea why the formatting does funny thing when copied from Notepad!!

I just watched Lethal Weapon. Ironic, Riggs', Mel Gibbson, wife was dead, killed. He was mourning her, looking at her picture in a wedding album. I think how she dies is made clear in the second film. Sue would have liked the dog in it.
I was afraid that this evening was going to drag, thankfully it passed quite quickly. I wonder how many others will pass quickly and how many will drag. I will try to get back into reading of an evening, that is what I used to do pre-Sue. Watching a film seems a good plan at the moment as well. I am sure that mum will tape some cricket or tennis now and again as well. But the Sue days were the best, having her company was wonderful, even if I was in the dinning / computer room. She gave me motivation to do something, that is what I fear I will lose. It took a very special person to fill the void in my life. Taking one day at a time. I thought I had Die Hard 3, but I don't, bugger, have to look out for it on television.

I remembered two other things that happened or I said on the funeral day. When I left the "pub" and got home it absolutely hammered it down with rain, and I mean heavy rain. The heavens opened up and thunder and lightning tore the sky apart. It was my belief that it was Sue venting her anger at those responsibe for letting her go so soon. Let us not forget that with an even half decent job Sue would still be here now and it is my belief that the treatment that Sue got, or didn't get was nowhere near even half decent. Was it even 10% decent. My dog gets better treatment quicker than Sue got. My mums cat developed a tumour in its leg, they didn't mess about, they amputated the leg quickly and without preamble. That cat will be home soon. Yes, I am pretty pi**ed at those responsibe for Sue.
The other thing that I put at the end of my notes on the 21st was this,
Sue, I miss and love you.

OK, enough misery for now, let's go back to 2002, bloody hell eight years ago, almost to the month, well, ok well what is a missed month or two between friends and strangers. November 2002, to be exact. Thailand. Then when I proposed to Sue, involves a zoo and some meerkats, but that's jumping the gun. Thailand. Well, Thailand and Cambodia to be exact. It was also the time that mum nearly got mated by an amorous monkey.

I typed quite a lot of what follows then realised that I missed abit, amazing what 8 years does to the brain, thankfully I have Sue's passport, the one that has her maiden name on it, so it showed me dates and then I was able to piece togther the holiday more acurately. So of course, whilst I know where I may have gone wrong, you will never know, and i just waffled for the hell of it.

Let me begin by explaining why we went, I have to admit it was mums idea and we went with my mum. Both Sue and my mum are very keen on animal conservation. They were both members of Care for the Wild International. Mum and I had been out to Thailand and Cambodia a couple of years previously and mum thought it would be a great oportunity for sue to see outside our shores. It was booked with Care for the wild in mind, they have a wildlife sanctuary out in both counties and we wanted to pay one a visit with Sue in Cambodia. A couple of years previously mum and i had done something similar, but also visited 2 sanctuaries in Thailand. This time we missed them, but wanted to see Ankor Wat.

We had one day in Thailand. We took a taxi to the river and hired a guided boat trip for just the 3 of us. Like onew of those boats with the long pole like engine out the back. It took us up the river to several Buda monuments. I must admit to not being a fanatical monumentalist, but these were interesting as they went. Also probably being with Sue added to my enjoyment. I was always very comfortable in her company. At ease. I think she was overawed throughout most of the holiday, but she never forgot it. From Thailand we flew to Cambodia.

We were met at the airport in Cambodia by the hotel's Landcruiser.
First we saw the Killing Fields monument and visited the "press" building on the river. That was our base outside of the hotel.We took clothing parcels with us as well. When we were out and about we distributed them, it sounds massive, not at all, it was a dozen or so shirts that we purchsed in the UK. When we were out there we went to the local supermarket and purchased food, and handed that out. Again, only a few tins of this and that and some fruit. This did lead to one slight mass mobbing, later.
We saw the Killing Fields, as already mentioned, and also handed out fruit to the children, there they were very orderly and lined up and we walked the line cutting up apples. All this was from mums instigation, but once were we in on it we were off.
Another day we went to the wildlife sanctuary. It was quite a drive, and we made friends with the driver. He was surprised when we invited him to join us and also offered him some of our food. He really appreciated it. It was early on that visit that mum got a bit too close to a monkey cage. you see in that country they don't have health and safety, so there are the cages and nothing to stop you getting right up close and personal. Mum walked past, and this long hairy arm came flying out the cage and grabbed mums arm, she went flying towards the cage. I don't think we will ever forget it. It was so quick and forceful. It left a bruise, but mum being mum took it all in her stride and of course I laughed my arse off! Our primary aim was to visit the tigers that had been rescued. Sue had adopted one of them.
We then had a section of the holiday where we went up river in Cambodia, we were taken by taxi from the hotel to the dock and joined a boat which took us and lots of other tourists up river to Ankor Wat. It was a long boat ride, many hours, i think. Mum got a bit sun burnt, but she didn't care, she has tough skin. We had to sit on the roof of the boat as it was totally full. See, no health and safety. It was here that we saw our first big monument of Ankor Wat.

We will never forget the noise of that monument building thingeemejig, it was deafening, totally deafening. Not the people they were quite quiet. The insects, they made a hell of a noise, as I can't spell what they are really called i will call them grasshoppers or locusts. The noise was painful and not pleasant. Mind you, I would quite happily go back in time now to it. Stay in focus here. We had about three days there and the visit was truely amazing, even I was blown away. Sue and I climbed a few of the monument steps, but many were too steep to even contemplate. It was a magical time in our relationship, as was the following four years, until Hell let lose. Focus. Sue had been living with me for a year by this time. On the last day in Cambodia mum and I wanted to go back to the "press" building, we still had a few items to give away. I think Sue was tired and decided to stay in the hotel. In a way that was for the best, what followed might have shocked her. When we first went to the "press" building a young girl with a baby, no idea of age, came up to us, she recognised mum and I from the previous visit a couple of years ago. I think she was keeping an eye on us. As it was she was. On the last day we left the "press" building, walked to the river, just over the road and took out the last of our food and shirts to give away. I have no idea where ALL the children came from, but we were mobbed liked nobodies business. I mean there must have been hundreds of children. We were totally surounded, hands grabbed at us, I had my camera bag, and held on for dear life. We were not attacked or in any real danger, I don't think, they made real attempt to take our belongings, but hands were everywhere. Then from nowhere, this lone girl with a baby in her arms made her way through the mob towards us, she just dominated the situation, made her way directly to us, took our hands, as best she could, and walked us back to the "press" building. All the time controlling the crowd. At the building we could enter, but the girl was stopped, we said no she with us, and she was allowed in. She spoke no English, but we thanked her, a taxi was hailed and off we drove, tears streaming our eyes as all the children tried to mob us as we drove off, the sad eyes receding in the distance as we left them. Only mum and i saw that, I explained it to sue and I think she was glad she had missed it, but it was one heck of an experiance.
We left Ankor Wat and flew into Thailand and home the next day.

A proposal and a few meekats will follow. Again please forgive any spelling errors this is typed into Notepad on a laptop.



27.8.10 - I played My love by Westlife, over and over last night, the first few brought forth the tears, I do really need that down time, it reminded me of my walk behind Sue. I remember it so vividly, but so surreally, it was like in a dream and I wish I had paid more attention to it all, I wish I had walked up to the horses and patted them, that is what I normally do with a horse, but this was not normal times.

It has crossed my mind to ask if I can go and visit the horses, see on that. It would be nice to get some pix of them here.


28/8/10 - I reread some of this, you poor sods having to pour over a lot of rabbit. I remembered two things from the day I visited Sue on 20th! I think it was in my original version. When I first walked and and saw Sue as described I did cry, it was very sad seeing her there like that, but after a short time it was as if she was actually with me. I cheered up and started wondering around the room, nosing out the curtains, well, I wanted to see what was behind them, a door, I studied how the coffin was made, and that 4 screws would be used to secure it, I said to Sue can they only afford 4 screws. So once I settled in it really was like I was with her in a waiting room alone with her and I would and did get up and have a darn good nose around chatting to her all the time. I had to step past Bess at one point right next to coffin and spoke out in a whisper, "better not knock the bloody thing on the floor". Sue would have been really tickled if I had of knocked her on the floor, really, as dad and I are the clumsyest buggers about and our feet are always catching things. It always made Sue laugh that something that has been there for ages would find our feet. Afterall it was not our feet finding the stool or cructhes, ot was the said item sticking its wooden leg out and catching our feet. I was always tripping over her crutches or her special stool in the kitchen.
I did keep an eye on Google cache, but it had either 16th which of course I already had, or 23rd, after I deleted everything, or 27th after I put it all back. So the original is gone of those few days.

Darn, doesn't time fly, it was a week ago that many paid their last respects to Sue at her funeral. Two weeks tomorrow that Sue died.
I was checking with she who knows, my mum, yesterday and my dates and order of holidays is all wonky! Florida was the first holiday that Sue and I did together, so I was right on that. It is after that that I am back to front, totally wrong way around. So in the right order, amazingly, fittingly, but backwards. I will tell you a bit about Jersey, but that was the first holiday we had with Sue living with me, in Mayish 2002. Thailand / Cambodia was Nov 2002 and Dartmoor was Mayish 2003. We only did small British holidays like Dartmoor after that, mostly due to cost, but also Sue wasn't a jet-setter, so I was quite happy to do what she wanted, and they involved walking, so more than suited me. The honeymoon was in the Lake District, October 2004, sodding hell, that is nearly 6 years ago, but I remember it like yesterday, and we walked every other dayish, one of the walks I actually swore at Sue, take my flaming hand, well, I did not use flaming, but there was a very specific reason for it, life and death almost, we laughed about it after. We had our last hurrah in Scotland in October 2008 before they removed the leg, but as you may remember whilst I already "felt" something in the leg. We did a few walks there as well and met a great man of the wilds. All that will have to wait for another time.
I have now watched 3 Lethal Weapons, watch the 4th tonight. I borrowed back Con Air from mum for another evening. I think that will be "sad" as it has our song and we used to enjoy that film together. When at The Expendables they put preview films up, there is a new Resident Evil film coming out, mum said that looks good. I had to try to explain to her that she had seen the first 2 and thought they were awful! Paul, can I borrow that disc set again and try them on mum again, no point in her going to the cinema for something she will hate. Sue and I enjoyed the series. I was amazed how much Sue liked them, more than any other zombie films, I think it was the story she liked as much as anything. Mind you, when she saw how they did the dogs, real dogs wearing a gore coat, she said oh don't they look sweet!! Sue and I had not watched the Lethal Weapon films back to back, but I am sure she would have enjoyed them. The second one actually gave me my first outragous laugh when Riggs was taking the micky out of Murtogh (??) over his daughter being in a condom advert. Sue loved my laugh, when I find something funny I don't hold back.

It is a bit of a double whammy the PC down. Defo a pain, but if it had stayed working then I would not have even thought about borrowing the laptop. And the laptop has been a bit of a life saver in all honesty. It has meant that I can email and update pbase anywhere in the house, like now in bed. Steady down ;-) I think it was Sue messing about with the PC from up above, as it has certainly helped keep my mind off her quite a bit, esp when PC first went down a couple of days after she died, my mind was off her totally for a short while. I think the clever sod planned it. Really. There is no sign of the replacement Windows 7 disc, but the email from Dell said it could be mid Sept! Oh well, no rush.

So far the only equipment that has gone is the ramp. I still have the big ramp as I bought that. The oxygen equipmwnt should go on Friday. I sent message to OT lady to ask about the wheelchair and crutches and perching stool in kitchen.

I said to mum yesterday that I will probably scatter the ashes alone. I think that mum was a bit disappointed. Mums thought was to accompany me to Dartmoor, then I would walk off to the tor and scatter them and see mum back at the car, so the actual scattering was and is by myself, but i think that I want to have the whole day alone, well, it won't be alone Sue will be "with" me. The thing is i will turn it into a shortish walk and don't want to think that someone is getting or potentially getting bored in the car. Also when I park and look up towards the tor I will remember last August when Sue and I last visited it and I was totally miserable that day and through tear streaked eyes and a trembling lower lip I pointed to the tor and said is that where you still want to go, I sort of said it like that, is that where you want to go, not be scattered, that was too final and I could never have got those words out, let alone admit to the probability of it happening. So I think alone time is best for me, I can then cry or not as it happens without worrying about someone else.
I mentioned it to dad about Dartmoor and mum and he said he thought about offering to come with me, but he thought that I would like to be by myself. I can play whatever music I want as loud or quiet as I want. I can just be myself, and I could only ever do that with Sue. Be truely myself. Nuts!! I will turn it into a short day out walk. No pressure. Only what is in the heart.
One of mums cats, Maisey, nearly died of cancer a few years ago, but had an op, quickly eeerrrr, and is now fine, when Sue was able to get to mum, Maisey always sat on Sue's lap - an effinity - right word?? I aways remember as when Sue had the leg and it was all swollen and painful Sue had to "guide" Maisey where to sit. then when Sue lost the leg, Maisey could sit in the space!! Maisey is still with us, just today she was chasing off the neighbours cat.

29.8.10 - I am sitting in our conservatory typing this, the last time I sat out here was with Sue and her parents, so that must be nearly 4 weeks ago. I seldom sit out here, silly really as it has a nice view of pond now. Just the way it was, i guess. I think if things had been different we would have sat out here a lot more together in the future. Well, maybe not in the winter, it gets very cold then out here. Mind you the house as a whole is on the tad chilly side. Sue was very brave and managed the low temps, not too much in the way of moaning. My philosophy was and is, if cold put a jumper on first ;-)

I cleaned the filter for the pond today, nice easy job that. A few switches to press and a few knobs to turn and that is it. It is not dirty, but I want to keep in the habit of cleaning it, after all we would not want a dirty lavatory, now would we.

I have not heard from the funeral directors yet about the ashes, but they do have them, when they call or when i go to "collect" Sue I will ask about the horses, or I will ask after all that, see how the mood takes me but I think it would be nice to see if I can see the horses again, as dad says, if you don't ask you don't get.

30.8.10 - I woke up at 5.50am that is a bit too close to 5.55 for my liking. Still a miss is as good as a mile! I was looking back over the pond build, that started on 12th April, horrible thought that it was just 4 months later that Sue would pass away. Who would have thought it would be as quick as that.

Jersey. I ought to get back to our holidays and good times as I know the thousands of readers out there, more like tens, hehehehe, of desperate readers, hehehehe, are keen to know about the honeymoon. I can't tell you about all of the honeymoon, I will have to leave a bit out, like 10 seconds, hehehehe, sorry, must be in one of those dappy moods this morning. Jersey. Mayish 2002. Like I said these holidays are backwards!
Jersey, see getting there. We had a week there with mum. The stand out memory was the squeaky bed we had, could not move an inch without it squeaking. It was not a quiet squeak either. I have never been so still in all my life.
We went to see the zoo, that was one day out. We spent quite a lot of time at Jersey lighthouse, just sitting and watching the sea. We cooked for ourselves, I remember Sue cooking for me quite a bit. Even though mum was with us, we pretty much looked after ourselves. Mum is very indipendant, even more than me, and she cooked for herself, when she cooked. I had to be a bit sneaky when we went shopping. Mum is not a shopper and if she ever knew what I sometimes spend on things, even small amounts, I have to devalue massively or my life would be worthless as mum would kill me and feed me to the sharks. When I was in Ireland with mum in 1999ish I bought a Barbour coat, and had to fib over the price, I liked it, lovely coat, but the comments, like the smell it left, I had to explain that was the wax. Anyway, I wanted another one, don't ask! So Sue and I went into town, found a store that sold them and saw two that I liked. I could not make up my mind which I liked best, so after much humming and haring I got both!! That actually happened in Florida with Sue againa, we went shopping for shoes and I saw 2 pairs of Rockport shoes that I liked, one I thouight would be nice for hill walking and the other for casual. So I got both. The walking shoes I never really got on with, so mistake, but the casual shoes I still have, seldom wear them, but they still here, I tend to be a trainer man.
Of course back with mum and two coats, I fibbed and told mum I only bought one! Luckily as mum not a shopper she tends to let me shop alone!! Sue and my dad probably thought, well he ought to know what he is doing!! Dad was not with us at all, but I know that is his thoughts.

I did still do a couple of holidays with mum and dad, separately, in the early days of Sue living with me. Sue looked after mums cats a couple of times. But I missed Sue so much that those trips soon stopped. I hsted being apart. Back to Jersey, we walked on the beach quite a bit as well. It was just a relaxing week away, there was no major events to report back on. Only the squeaky bed does stick in my mind.

Today went quickly enough, the afternoon was a bit sad, I came home early, I do feel comfortable here, so far, not dwelling too much here, to busy typing all this nonesense. What the heck will I do when I run out of things to waffle on about! I have stumbled across a wonderful pan pal in Australia, I recon Sue set that up, and so far away that I would keep my grubby hands off. Gotta love my Sue and her sense of humour. She is still looking after me. Keeping my mind occupied. It is when I stop that I dwell.

An annoying thing happened today, I went into my grandpa's room, it was his house until he died, 1994, and I moved in in 1995. I swapped the summer growth koi food for a staple diet more suited to these slightly lower temps and thought that is an odd smell. I didn't think too much about it until I walked down, squelch squelch, the stairs, we have duct tape holding the stair carpet together, and I thought that doesn't sound right, so I went back to the bedroom and the carpet was soaked, the darn roof has sprung a leak. So I need to get that looked at. You would have thought with Sue up there she could do it for us, after all, no scaffolding needed. That is why Sue did it to keep me occupied. It is the darn X Files.
Tomorrow dad and I go to see his aunt, she is 97, she met and really liked Sue, I think she will be gutted when I read her all the hospital notes and what they did, or didn't do. I think it might be a sad day. I will be having lunch with dad before we go, the last time I ate with him was with Sue. I will finish Lethal weapon 4 tonight, i was dead tired last night by 10pm!

Here's to a good day tomorrow.

I proposed to Sue on 1st January 2003 at Bristol Zoo in front of the meerkats. We were married on 26th September 2004. I don't think that marriage ever really occured to me in the years preceeding Sue. But I knew that Sue had dreams of marriage and family life. Well, one out of two isn't bad. It was me that scuppered the family plans, I am sorry to say, but I don't have any regrets, esp as things turned out. It is not something that I have ever discussed with anyone, it is a little shameful. It showed how much Sue loved me, if there was any doubt, which there wasn't. I knew that Sue was keen on marriage, we had discussed it, though I had not asked, they were just chats about it. We were just very open with each other and we knew what the other wanted. I bought a ring a few months previously and bided my time. I kept it to hand having no idea where or when I would propose or even if I could actually do it. It was not something that I took lightly. For me it was a monumental thing, I guess it was pretty big for Sue as well.
The previous couple of yearsish mum and Sue went with me to Bristol Zoo on New Years Day, it was something that mum and I had done on and off for a couple of years pre Sue, and in 2001, the first year Sue was living with me, we thought why not take Sue, see how good her antifreeze is. I am unsure if we went there in 2002. We had planned for the 3 of us to go in 2003, but mum backed out at the last minute, so my romantic mind thought today is the day, 1st Jan 2003. But when that day and where and could I really do it, really really do it. The visit started as normal, we took our own food and drink, we would sit on a bench and make our own tea, my own tea is always better than a bought tea, and cheaper. But I just prefer my own tea so on days out I would always pack a flask, this day was no different. I remember we had a tea pre proposal by the elephant and gorilla enclosure, and I think I probably thought about asking at that moment. But no, I wanted something a little more romantic than asking sue to marry me over a soggy wet tea bag!
We walked hand in hand over to the meerkats and stopped and admired them. I mentioned hand in hand, in those days we held hands a lot, but for some reason after a few years we didn't hold hands all that much. I wonder if that was because of my walking pace, i think i was always about half a pace faster and Sue felt I was dragging her along, or if it stemmed from our hill walking where we both used walking poles and even without those, holding hands on the tussocks, did I say Sue loved the tussocks, hehehehe, would have been neigh on impossible. Tussocks, Sue and the tussocks of Dartmoor, my big manly stride would get me over them, but Sue's deignty stride got her a bit stuck on them, and she was regularly in them, literally. I would turn around to check her progress and she would be examining the bugs in the grass legs in the air, cursing me for never falling over in the tussocks.
Anyway, back to the proposal, did I waffle again. ops, must stop that. Where was I. Oh yes the tussocks, no the proposal. Whilst standing by the meerkats I moved behind sue, steady, and put my hand into my coat pocket, and pulled something out, yes, it was the ring. I moved slightly in front of Sue and looked her in the eye with the ring in my hand and asked would she marry me. There was no hesitation, none at all. Yes. We hugged each other really tightly and closely and kissed. I asked after if she had suspected anything, no. It was a total shock, but a great one. We were the happiest people alive and it remained that way until two weeks ago. I did not go down on one knee, asking the question and holding the ring was as much as I could do, men are supposed to be bad multi taskers so trying to do a third thing like going down on one knee would have been too much for me. In reality, I must admit, I never even thought about it. We wondered off and celebrated with another cup of my tea. I felt mighty chuffed and very excited.
Sue, you made me a very proud man. Thank you sweetheart.

30.8.10 - Today was a good day, but touched by sadness. I am now watching Con Air, it has our song in it. I had it played at the funeral, which takes me back there and to something I put in my original diary, but then lost it when I deleted it by mistake. That song was played as part of the "thinking about Sue" time of the funeral. I tried, but my mind just went blank during the song at the funeral, nothing at all. It was like i was at peace with her. Then they played What a Wonderful world and the tears flooded, strange. Anyway, back to today. I am going to let you all into a secret and you are all sworn to secrecy. Sue will understand why, as will maybe one other of you. It is called politics, family politics. I had lunch with dad, only I was not there. Mum thinks I went a bit later, so lets keep it that way. When I left mums yesterday she had prepared a meal for today for me, so I just ate that. So two meals today, not bad, eh!! It is a long, like 40 years, story and very complicated, but silence is a virtue, or I will be dead. The lunch that I did not have with dad was not fish, chips and green beans, and it tasted very nice, only of course, I didn't have it. Following me. Mum prepared for me fish, potatoes, spinnich, and peppers. That was officially nice. I must admit that both meals, the official one and the unofficial one were tinged by sadness as the official one was really the first that i have had here alone, and the same goes for the unofficial one that I did not eat with dad, only that was not alone, as dad was there, but you know what I mean. Don't you. One of sue's and my favourite meals was fish and chips, not that crummy stuff you get in a take away, i mean the stuff you cook fresh, ok maybe it was frozen but it was still fresh individually cooked, properly, not in a microwave either. We would have fresh veg and peppers with it. One day I will do that again.
I did have a few tears in the shop over lunch time, and also when dads aunty hugged me, that always sets me off. It was nice there, but as dad said something was missing. Or someone was missing.

31.8.10 - Today has been a bit up and down. I have had happy moments, but tinged with sadness, just one of those days, i guess. I was going to do the hoovering, will do it soon, but made a tea and decided to type instead. I can't bring myself to move the stuff on Sue's bedside table, it is the same mess as when she died, but it is her mess. I have been trying to tidy up her documents case, but all i keep seeing is reminders, a diary from 2001, with all the dates we were together, our Florida dates. Or her current diary with her last entries in it. She did put our anniversay date in, Sept 26th. How I wish she had made that date. Yesterday i asked dad if he would go halves with me on a garden shrubbery plaque, well, i knew he would. He is on holiday next week, so when he gets back i will discuss it more with him. I get 80 characters. That will be a novelty for me, so few letters to use, so no waffle. I still smile at my own stupidity! Yesterday morning i did get the Sthils out and cut the front hedge and the grass out the back, what grass there is. I watched half of Con Air, finish it tonight, I expect.

I managed to have a good read this evening, I let the words sink in, it was a cracking read. Lots of exciting and enjoyable stuff and all. Can't beat a good read. It was a relief to be able to relax for a couple of hours. But after I stopped, that is when it hit again, just feel low and funny inside. I will make some rolls and finish Con Air. Then it will be bed time. I made contact with one of the old walking shops we used to use in Cambridge, they moved to Stevenage, so we didn't see them much after that, but my glasses went walkabout from the car, my fault, I left it open one night, dddrrrrr, so I may have to get another pair. Always good to support those that have helped you. My local walking store is also very good, must pop in and say hi to them one day, but the thought of doing that fills me with dread. In fact doing many of the things that I used to do with Sue fills me with dread, esp when i stop and think about it. Doing it, wow, that is another thing entirely. So slowly, see if I am ready for it. Just as well I am alone and have time on my hands. Well I have something in my hands, a roll.
I hope to try Cheddar next week, something close and familiar, see if I flood the place. I will also pay a visit to the koi store where I bought all the pond equipment later in September, on the way there and back visit Boy's Grave Forest of Dean, the place where Sue and I stopped and I walked Bess, Sue always had a tea waiting for me in the car when I got back. Then I have Dartmoor to "look forward to". Yes, one step at a time. But I did enjoy that read.

I just stopped Con Air for a moment to type this bit, it is amazing how close films are to real life. In Lethal Weapon 4 Riggs / Gibson "talks" to his wife. In Con Air, Nicholas Cage says to a wounded friend / prisoner, dont die on me. In the last few weeks of Sue's life I regularly said something similar, if I left the room for a tea or anything really, walking Bess, picking her parents up when they were here, I would say to her, don't pop off while I am gone. When she was able, she replied, I wont. She meant it as well. She always waited for me. I had bacon and ham rolls this evening. Oh , yes, you remember I said that I had fish last night that mum did for me, it was chicken. I thought it was like fish fingers, it was chicken fingers. But they were lip smacking good. I think another read is in order now, then a good night sleep. Get this book finished, and choose another, got a few to choose from.

1.9.10 - This is the first actual month alone without Sue.

I took mum out for lunch, well, I drove, she paid, I am a right Jewish git when it comes to paying for things like eating out and all. Mind you I did treat Sue once in a while, did you all not see the blue moon. Sue would always be cheeky about it, but all in the nicest possible taste. We went to a pub that is in Westerleigh, near the crematorium. After I ate lunch I left mum to walk Bess.
There is a small wooded hill behind the pub with a field beyond that, I have walked up that hill a few times before and around the field. The last time I was there, maybe Mayish, we took Sue, she was not able to walk up the hill of course, but she was able to walk to the bottom of it, so we had a short stroll together. Anyway, the field at the top looked familiar when I was driving back from the crematorium the other week. It dawned on me that that field was near the traffic lights that goes to the crematorium. So today, rather than walking around the fieid, I crossed it, walked out of it, crossed the road to the traffic lights, bearing in mind this was already a good half mile walked, and when I got past the lights it said crematorium half a mile. It didn't seem that far in the car, so i gently jogged the distance and checked the outside of the crematorium, there was no no dog signs, so I went in, first i just sat by the little roundabout inside, there was a funeral finishing. They were leaving and i thought about the same, but i was drawn further in, I wanted to find the shrubbery bed where I will place the plaque when I get it done. I found it, it is several shrubbery beds. I walked to the information centre and walked in with Bess, i asked if I got to choose where to put the plaque, yes. I know to within a plant where to put it. I know sue would agree with my choice. I hope that someone else doesn't nick it. I left jogging, in that I jogged out of the crematorium, that is not as bad as it sounds. I could imagine Sue saying to all the spirits, he did that at the hospital, i always jogged out of the ward after I said goodbye, it was like a tradition, and all the patients were waiting for me to take off. I used to jog and dodge past the nurses. It gave me time to think, something to concentrate on. Bizarre I know. I never wanted to leave Sue, but when it was time to leave I wanted out of there as fast as I could. I did not tell mum where I had been. I will do that again I expect. I was gone about 40 minutes. Normally the walk I do there was 30 minutes, so the extra was bearly noticeable. I think mum would just say something funny if i told her where I went, sometimes mouth shut is the best policy! Afterwards we popped into a garden centre, but I was not really concentrating, I felt down as Sue and I were due to buy plants sometime for the rockery. There was not a great selection in any event. I will look again in the future.

The lady from the funeral home called today, just to ask if I was happy with how things went and ask how I was. I asked about picking the ashes up, anytime, just let them know. I will leave it a little while, get dad back home first then see mid month. I know it sounds awful but not sure it will be wise having them here much quicker than mid month. As Sue would say, only adding clutter. Another personal joke. Also it will be a very sad reminder. I cannot really bring myself to sort any of Sue's stuff yet, I try, but see her writing or something or just picking up her things makes me just put it back down again.

3.9.10 - Not a lot to report. The oxygen was taken today, funny walked past the two tanks of it for the last three weeks without problems, then when it goes I well up. I still plan a Cheddar walk on Monday. I will let you know how that goes, better do that, get a bit of hill walking inbefore Dartmoor later in the month.

Wedding - I was a bit nervous, but surprisingly, not a lot. I was excited about it. It was certainly the very best day of my life so far. It flew by. Forgetting Sue for a minute, I think the image that sticks in my mind is smiling at Kim all the time whenever I looked over at her. Kim was the photographer, I have known her and her husband Steve, better mention that in case tongues start wagging, you know what people are like, for a while, mainly Kim through my aircraft photography. But it is just the memory that does really stick in my mind, looking over at Kim and grinning like a bloody great Cheshire cat, because I had got the cream. Of course the best part of the day, like every day that followed, and preceeded, was I was with Sue, in that old comfort zone. She was very happy. It was what she had wanted all her life. And the poor sod ended up with me. I had tuna sandwhiches made especially for me. I was a bit annoyed when we got home that night as I had left one of them behind, forgot it, can't imagine why. The funny thing is that so much else of what we did is so vivid in the mind, but the wedding went in a blur. I do remember fluffing my lines!! The lady who was doing the reading and we had to follow read too much out for me on one part, I forgot what she had said. So she broke it down into Tony sized parts, that my pea brain could remember. I also remember thinking when asked if "I do", sort of thing, i was very very tempted to be daft and say "can I think about that" then say I do. But I must admit I was sensible and just said I do. But sometimes I wish I had been my daft self. The last thing I wanted was to upset people. But it did cross my mind! I was very tempted. We stayed until about 7pm and I drove us home in my car.

Honeymoon - Lake District. This was about the hayday of our walking trips, we were both quite fit and my navigational skills were quite good, I thought. So we packed rucksacks and bags, not sure if we took a case or not, probably did, it was for 2 weeks, so must have done. We were both very excited about it. We broke the 2 weeks down into walking every other day, and shopping / sightseeing every other day. Give or take. I had planned about 7 walks of varying degree of ease. None were too strenuous. We did leave one out, we were due to do Scar Fell Pike, the highest mountain in England, but I am not sure why we did not do it, I think, in all honesty we chickened out, or was it the weather, I think Sue was unsure, so I was not going to push my luck. The route I had chosen was a long walk in and out, there would have been an easier shorter route, but that never occured to me, I always wanted the tougher one, which didn't always go down well. I never pushed it though, i always discussed a route and if I could tell Sue was unhappy, that was that and there was no hard feelings, just being in the mountains with her was enough.

This will be both happy and sad recounting some of this, I just picked up the maps and a photo album to help where we went and I let out a large sigh. So frustrated.

We left on a Saturday and drove north to the Lake District. We found the cottage with relative ease and settled in. There were some woods behind us, so we walked Bess and Pippa there that evening. On of these short walks in the woods we could here these cars, we wondered how that was possible, they were noisy and very fast, we could see nothing, it was very spooky. We looked in the direction of the noise, half expecting a car to come flying towards us, and then a ralley car flew through the trees along a track in the valley oposite us, that was quite close. We were quite quick in moving to a smaller foot path off the track. there was a lot of cars there must have been az ralley of some sort, so we were quite safe on our side of the valley.

We drove into Keswick many times and did our shopping there for food. We went to other small villages as well and did some walking clothes shopping / brousing. I bought some trail shoes, and a jacket, the one I took but didn't wear to the funeral. Sue bought some waterproof gloves.

When we weren't cooking in the hills we cooked in the cottage. We always enjoyed cooking together. We shared and enjoyed everything together. Well, ok, most things, let's be fair.

Some of these walks will not be in order, but six years down the line who gives a monkeys. I may even forget a walk, but the ones that stand out will be included, so that will be most of them. Nope I think I got them all.

The first walk was definately Blencathra. It was the day after we arrived
and I said to Sue that Blencathra would be a half day walk, nice and easy to get us in the swing of things. Thankfully we always packed properly and for a day, just as well. I have the map in front of me to help out. The car park was near where we were staying, it was a local walk. Like around the local park, I think not. The one thing that I did promise Sue was that where possible everything would be on footpaths, as I think she felt happier on them. I promised to try to avoid tussocks!! The route to Blencathra was up a steep winding path, it was steeper than it appeared on the map. The weather was good, clear and warm. I thought this was going to be a piece of cake, a walk in the park. Near the top but still some way from Blencathra itself the wind picked up, it tore through my light soft shell coat and chilled me to the bone. Worse was the mist we could see coming towards us, rolling across the landscape, blocking everything in its path. One minute the sun was out, the next we were blind. It was quite spooky. I was relying on a map and compass. I had my GPS in case of emergency, but I was very keen to do it all manually. We got to Blencathra quite eassily, the path basically took us there, it was the highest point that had to be it, it was.

As this was supposed to be a short easy walk I said to Sue we would come off the peak, it was more a flat plateau really, ish, and then follow a ridge down to the bottom. Unfortionatley I missed the ridge. I kicked myself as it was not far, and I had my altimeter watch so it should have been obvious that we missed it, instead we just kept walking down another ridge. Once I realised our mistake the mists cleared and I could once again pin point our position, I had just added another two miles to the journey. Sue took it well enough, i was well miffed that I had botched it up. We had to follow another ridge down and then around to get to the point where we should have been. It was a very pleasant walk all the same, very pretty. Well worth it, of course i did it deliberately.

Once down we then had a long hike back to the car. Because we had come down the "wrong" ridge we had to cross the bottom of that ridge to get to the one we wanted, should have been easy, but there was one small section that had a scramble in it. In other words, there was no path, but wet slippery rocks that needed climbing over, scrambling. Of course the dogs managed easily enough, I was a bit worried but managed it. Then there was poor Sue, she had guts that girl, she probably cursed me, but there was no option we had to get over these rocks. I did everything to help, i took her pack and carried that up. It was really no more than three or foursteps over the rocks, but it involved balance and grip. I then stood above her and took her hand, just as well, as she took a step up got that ok, but her second step, in a panic, that maybe was not needed, I suspect she did not believe she could do it, she put her knee down, that meant her shoe lost its grip, she was effectively balancing on the side of her shoe and her knee, of course she slipped, but my muscular arm and hand held very tight and pulled her up. She was not a happy camper, to be honest, and I think cursed me. The actual drop was not far, a few feet, but it would have hurt had I not held on. She was later to repay that compliment, when I could curse her. The rest of the walk was easy going back to the car. She said as she always did after a walk, that she felt a massive achievement having done the walk. I appologised for getting us "lost" and causing us the have to make that scramble, I did feel bad.

The next walk was Skiddaw. Again this should have been a nice easy gentle local walk. It had lovely footfaths and would have been a piece of cake. This time it was not my doing that things went pear shaped. We parked the car, and followed the path up to Skiddaw. We never got to Skiddaw. Close but no star. The weather was clear, warm and pleasant, perfect walking weather. But as we walked up the steep winding path the wind picked up. The higher we got the stronger the wind got. With the wind came a mist, again. We were not bleesed by the best weather. This time I was not worried by the mist, well i wasn't last time either... The path was obvious and easy, just steep. When we got to a point near Skiddaw the wind turned monsterous. It was a wind from hell. Sue was blown over several times, i just managed to hold my feet. But I was going nowhere. it was all i could do to keep my feet. So there we were, three quarters of a mountain, Sue on her backside, she could not even stand up, and me planted like a tree to the ground. I desperately did try to get past this little hillock, I did make it, walking money like on all fours to pass it. It must have been a sight. I was blown over on the other side. The land here was high but quite flat, there was no chance of going over a cliff. I waited on the off chance that Sue would appear, but of course, she didn't. Even if she had, we were going no further, not even I would have gone if I had been alone. To be honest i only went as far as I did as I had the company of Sue. With a great deal of difficulty and some fear, I managed to get back to where Sue was, she had not moved one inch. Talking even next to each other was almost impossible, the wind took our breath away and drowned out whatever speech we did make. What happened next was obvious, so with hand gestures, we slowly crawled down the mountain, as we lost some height the wind eased and we were able to stand. We had only been gone about two hours, so we still had a day to kill. I looked at the map and saw a nice easy walk around the valley below Siddaw. Well, it would have been a nice walk if the rain hadn't come in. It pelted it down with rain, but we had our waterproofs, so we just thought sod it lets go for it. So we did. It was about 5 miles, plus what we had done up to Skiddaw Little Man. As I said this would have been a beautiful walk had we been able to see anything past the rain. As usual we had our meals with us for heating up. We stopped at the top of the valley by the river and got the cooking utensils out. My lighter did not work, but I had in emergency one of those fire lighters that you strike, so I turned the gas stove on and struck the fire lighter, remember this is in hammering rain. I had never used the fire lighter before. After about 20 goes I finally got a spark to land on the gas fire and the burner was going. We heated our meals and ate them in the rain. It was actually lovely, in a wet sort of way. I think we both really really appreciated that meal. We always appreciated our hot meals in the mountains / hills, but that one especially. it was a long trek but on good paths back to the car, when we got back to the car I drove us to the cottage a short distance away to dry out. So two walks both very memorable!!

We were having no luck with the weather. The next walk, this one I cannot pinpoint where it was, but what happened was quite memorable. As this was the only walk where I was getting cheesed off with the weather. We parked the car and followed a path, but unlike before where the path was obvious, this path disappeared, totally. I knew where we were and I knew where we needed to be, but between the two points was a grassy bank, a very steep grassy bank. We had no choice but to just go up. Whilst the grass bank was safe enough in itself, a slip here would have sent one or both of us tumbling down hill for a long way. I think we were both nervous of this one. We stopped reguklarly and looked down that was a big mistake, as that piled on the pressure, but we did keep our feet, no slips at all, we got to the top climbed over the breow of the hill found the path that had wondered off and never left the path again. So far so good, but again the weather turned in, this time for some reason I had not put my waterproof gloves in, I had only put soft gloves in, they got soaked in no time and my hands were frozen.

It was about this time that I had taken the switch from walking boots to trail shoes for comfort, but the shoes I had on got soaked in no time and my feet were also frozen. This was my most miserable walk of all of them. Suie in her boots and waterproof gloves was as merry as any time up there. I wonder if she was smiling at my discomfort, thinking well, who's idea was it then, no, she was never like that. We stopped and I put on waterproof socks after a while, should have done that long before, so in the end it was just my hands frozen. It was not particularly cold, but the rain was cold. Apart from losing the path we did not get lost or misplaced. The scenery lower down was majestic.

When we did a walk, esp the ones a little further afield, we would use the days off to find the parking places and walk the first half mile to get our barings and to walk Bess. The weather at last took a turn for the better.

The next walk was Great Gable. This was the highest or one of the highest we did and probably the most challenging, in that getting off GG was tricky. The walk towards the base of Great Gable was beautiful, the path easy to follow and just a slight assent. But as GG is a rather tall mountain the assent started at the base of it and was relentless all the way to the top. Almost certainly the steepest, and even i had to admit that I was glad I was going up that path not going down it. We made it to the top and this was the first mountain that we met people at the top, the weather was good and clear but quite windy. We stopped long enough for rolls and a rest. the top of great gable is not really pathed, it is desolate scree, nothing really stood out. I was thankfull that the sky was blue and clear. I think getting off GG in the mist would be a challenge. Normally in clear weather where you go next is fairly obvious, and a compass is not needed, though I used it a lot, to be safe and for the experience. This time I defo needed to use it. We walked across the scree looking for a path, it was not in the least bit obvious, but thankfully we found it. It was steep and winding, down, winding down, winding down. We had to cross a gap to get off Great Gable, this gap was called Windy Gap. It lived up to its name. We were both totally fed up with wind from Skiddaw, on skiddaw there was no chance of falling off. This was different, this was steep sided, both sides, one slip here and there would be no stopping for hundreds of feet of steep scree. Even I was scared. Sue made it half way across, I was totally chicken here, my legs just would not move. Sue was beconning me forward, but I could not move. Eventually I moved tentitively across and met sue half way. Her map flew out and would have blown away had we not had the foresight to secure our maps with cord. I just let it blow in the wind, the string held on. Sue managed to crawl across the gap, and I followed, it was an amzing relief to be off windy Gap. The path was easy to follow, we stopped and ate a meal a bit further on and the weather stayed sunny all the way to the car and cottage. When we ate a meal on the hills we just ate rolls back at the cottage. The meals we ate were pretty good, and we added mashed potato to them, they were filling and warming.

Helvellyn was probably the only walk with no real issues or scares. The short route is along Striding Edge, but 1, we didn't want a short walk, and 2, there was no way that sue was going to be happy on Striding Edge. So we walked the long way to Helvellyn and the long way back. Once again the scenery was spectacular, the going was easy, good paths, not too steep, and the weather was very kind to us. Half way up we looked into the valleys below us, the sight was majestical, there was a mist in the valleys, but it was a mist only in the valleys, it was rising, but so slowly we were in no rush or danger of it reaching us. We had time to stop and admire. Walking up Helvellyn is quite gentle, i believe a Hurricane was landed there in WW2, not sure. We stopped and ate our rolls. We found where Striding Edge joins up with Helvellyn. We had made the right decision not to walk along that.
We were half way down Helvellyn when the mist came in, but it was over the mountain far above us. Thankfully we soon learnt to start our walks earlyish, to try to beat the weather, it paid off here.

I have saved The Old Man of Coniston for the penultimate walk, simply as it was the one that I got into a real stew about, it was not the penultimate walk, just in this diary. This was supposed to be one of the easiest walks to do. The paths were clear and the weather was fine all day long, but there was the usual wind. I guess this was October. Ultimately it was the wind that caused my navigational error and this was the only time the whole two weeks that I got the GPS out.
We left the car and as was our want we went a slightly longer route to the Old Man. No wonder I got lost, I can't find the route on one of the maps. OK, sort of got it, but what went wrong I still can't figure out. I think I am losing the ability to read a map, esp one with the contours so close. Mind you, it has been several years. It will come back. There is a direct path to the Old Man of Coniston, but we wanted go via The Bell and then Levers Water up to Levers Hawes, that was the bit I forgot. This one is going to make no sense without a map. Here goes. We passed The Bell, and then on to Levers Water, looking up at where Levers Hawse would eventually be. What faced us was a very steep, very narrow valley to climb up. There was a died stream bed and lots of rocks and scree. There was no obvious path, despite what the map shows. We started the climb up, I lead the way, but had to stop constantly to allow sue to catch up.
This was a tough climb, how either of us ever did it I don't know. At one point half way up I stopped again to allow Sue to catch up. But my stop and broken my momentum. I was stuck. I had no where to go. There were no foot holds, no hand holds. It was far too risky to try to go back down a bit and find another way around. I was stuck. This was the only time an ice axe would have been handy, there was no ice, but an ankor point would have been a massive benefit. All I had was a Sue. This time I was in sue's hands, I said to her don't follow my route or we would both be stuck, she found a different way, and for the first time on that section of the walk she was ahead of me, above me. she made her way to where I was, about three feet above. Sue was the perfect ankor point, she was all I needed. But Sue seemed frozen in place, I have no idea what was going on in her head, mind you she had a view down, down the very steep valley below me, so no wonder she froze. I shouted quite firmly, take my flaming hand, please substitute flaming for another word. It was enought to shock her out of her reverie, she took my hand and pulled me up. Once again I took the lead and we made our way with no more worries to the top. The only thing we said was there was no way we would do that route again, and we definately would not want to go down that way. That was a nasty scary route up.

The wind was blowing a gale, again up on the top of the ridge. We walked just below the ridge of Brim Fell and walked right past the Old Man of Coniston. To this day I cannot figure out how the hell I went wrong, it is really annoying. The weather was clear. The only thing I can attribute it to was the wind, it blew my brains out. It was very annoying and I lost my temper with myself later on. Anyway, we missed the Old Man and made our way to Goats Hause, one of those sort of low crossings between valleys, you know the ones that are bloody windy, but I thought I was somewhere else, don't ask. I saw the top of a hill with rocks and people and said there is the old man. We walked to it. Stopped at the summit. Remember I thought we were on the Old Man, over the valley, and I took a compass bearing from the Old Man to get us off it, it was north north east. The map showed a foot path, where we were walking had no path and we were heading towards a lake that should not have been there. There was something wrong, something did not add up. At first I could not put my finger on it. I stopped and said to Sue that we had made a mistake, we had, gggrrrr, me, I got the GPS out and put in Dow Crag, that was the only thing that had a lake NNE of it. The GPS took us directly back to where we had just left. Somehow I had walked us to Dow Crag. It was a monumental mistake. I really could not believe it so I walked us following the GPS back to Dow Crag. I had to rewrite this three times, as each time I remembered what I had done. It took those three times to re learn how to read a map as well.

We did not fancy walking to The Old Man, it meant crossing Goats Hause, and neither of us fancied that wind. We left Dow Crag, I was inconsolable, miserable that I had messed up. I take and took great pride in my navigational skills, except in mist that was still worrysome, but this was a clear day. Walk way down Dow Crag I stopped, my gloves, they were not on my hands, oh bugger, we had stopped just earlier for a check of the map, I put the gloves down and did not pick them up. Many expletives flew from my mouth, that just capped it for me, i was livid with myself. I threw my walking poles down in a massive temper tantrum, told Sue to stay where she was and trudged back up the hill to retrieve my gloves. I trudged back down in a foul mood. Sue kept her cool, she was very cool, on that walk. Pardon the pun, but she took it in her stride. she said to settle down, lets stop and eat our meal. so we stopped, we had plenty of water on us, cooked out meal and I settled down a bit. We packed up and headed off the mountain / hill but my mind would not let go. I was burning up inside. We were over half way down, only about 2 kms from the car, an easy walk o the car. I kept looking at the map, I could see a path near where we were heading it lead directly to Goats Hause, that windy spot between Dow Crag and the Old Man of Coniston. Rather than just a 2 km walk to the car this was going to add 5 kms to the walk and be quite steep. Dare I suggest it, would Sue kill me for suggesting it. If I did suggest it did I actually want that extra walking, would Sue say yes or no. When we got to where the paths crossed I broached the subject. Sue was very hesitant, she could literally see the car, the end. I don't know if she agreed because she wanted to see the Old Man or if she knew how much it meant to me to get us there. I suspect the latter, but wished for the former. She agreed and we follwed the path up to Goats Hause. It was late afternoon and the place was very quiet, people were leaving and the wind had died down to a breeze. We made good time to GH, and then on to the Old Man. It was a beautiful evening, we had the Old Man to ourselves. We both, yes both, agreed it was very well worth it to finally get there. So a rotten day turned into a smashing day. There was an easy scree path off the Old Man and that took us to the same path we had left and back to the car. A wonderful day with a wonderful girl. That is one walk I will never forget. sue was very proud she had done it. Like I have said before, she always enjoyed the walk when it was over, when she was back at the car. I never hurd her moan, only ever be joyful at the accomplishment.

The very last walk we did was Blencathra gain, it seemed fitting to do the same walk as we started, this time I promised not to miss the ridge we wanted, this in turn made is miss that scramble. The mist again came in. Thankfully I concentrated, used bearings and my alitmeter watch to find the path off the mountain, dopwn the ridge, the ridge was shrouded in mist, but as we descended the mist cleared below us, the image was magical, from a fairy tail.
Like my marriage to Sue.

We had the most fabulous honeymoon and we loved every minute of it. It brought back many memories to me.

7.9.10 - I went to Cheddar yesterday, that was the first time I have ever walked Cheddar without Sue. We started our Cheddar walks in 2002 and carried on pretty much weekly until 2006. Once the cancer reared its ugly head, we only went the once in 2007, as described in the caption of one of the images, and maybe we went half a dozen, if that, times in 2008, that was to try to get back into shape for Scotland. So we did try to get our walking lives back together. As I said we walked Brecon Beacons.
I walked about 6ish miles yesterday at a fair old clip. Poor Sue would have been miles behind, in fact often I looked back, on the off chance she was there. So even now she has wings, she still can't keep up. Funny she said as much when we talked about it. I said after she died I would be trying to keep up with her as she floated across the tussocks of Dartmoor or the paths of Cheddar, she replied back, nope, I would never be able to keep up with you. But the sheer thrill of having her company way out shone her slight lack of pace. I hardly ever thought, come on hurry up. To be honest her pace was not really that bad. We often walkedc past others around the local playing field. So her had a pair of legs on her. I think what slowed her down was uneven terrain, I skip and glide over it, she didn't, each foot fall had care, precision and purpose.
I thought about her a lot as I steam rollered down the rough paths, or walked at full tilt up the hills. My heart rate topped 177 on a couple of the hills. I put my monitor on for the fun of it.
The actual walking was not too emotional, just someone missing, but my concentration on my foot falls kept my brain in neutral. I was never happy, nor really contented, I could imagine all the places he had stopped as if they were yesterday, not over two years or more ago. Four years even. It is so vivid. I felt meloncoly. It was as usual when I stopped. I stopped three times, once for a breather after 40 mins of walking, where we stopped for a tea sometimes. I then walked to the top of Cheddar and walked down Jacob's Ladder. Going in the direction I go, that is free. You have to pay to go up it, but not down. I walked through Cheddar and then up the gorge on the other side. That is quite a steep climb. At the top is a small rock where we very regularly stopped for a tea and a roll and a tin of rice pudding quite often. The view is quite spectacular out over the Severn Estuary. All I had was a tea. Didn't much fancy much else. I felt very alone and really missed Sue there, but didn't cry, until I packed up. Then I hugged the rucksack as if it were Sue and cried. I think Sue must still be looking down as straight after that a couple appeared and asked if I knew Cheddar very well and how long would it take to walk to the other side, that got me out of my reverie, I continued the walk. When I neared the road, Black Rock carpark, where we sometimes parked, not today, I remembered something, and walked towards a rock away from the car park but near a place called Velvet Bottom, that we sat on in June 2007. What follows is copied and pasted from one of the captions that accompanies an image.


If you have read part one you will know that sue had a sarcoma in the left leg. When chemo was eventually started in March 2007 Sue had to be wheeled to the hospital, she was unable to walk more than a step or two.
When the drs stopped chemo after 4 cycles in June 2007 Sue was able to walk, the chemo had obviously worked to kill the cancer and ease the leg.
This rock is where we went just before June 13th When Sue had the surgery to remove the sarcoma from the leg.
Remember that sarcoma was 4kgs or 10lbs in weight. She walked with that in her leg from a car park just up the road from Cheddar called Black Rock to this rock, near Velvet Bottom.
Sue wanted to visit Cheddar before the operation, she had not seen it for over 8 months, remember she had not walked much at all for 8 months.
I timed today how long it took me to walk from that rock to the car park, at my sprightly pace, 9 minutes. That must be at least 1/4 mile, maybe even half a mile. One way. Sue walked there and back with a 4kg cancerous lump in her leg because she wanted to. I remember sitting with her on that rock and having a tea. So I had a tea in her honour. We never sat on that rock again. But we walked passed it many times before, but not much after June 2007.

I had forgotten about that until I was very near it on my walk. Then it came flooding back to me. After finishing my tea and walking back to the car park, timing it as I said, i was amazed at how Sue ever did that walk. The track was flat and even but a bit stoney in places, her determination is mind boggling, and fills me with even more admiration. I crossed the road, if I had done the shorter walk that would have been it finished, but I parker further away. So I had another hour or just under in front of me.

The walk neared its end when I got to a stile by the road, just down from the car. I crossed the stile and could picture Sue on the other side of that stile waiting to cross it herself. It was as if she were there. That was when my sadness started for real, that is when it started to sink in, at the end. I walked the last 5 minutes to the car, opened the doors and put the rucksack in the boot, made another tea by the car, and cried. That was very sad, drinking tea alone, where before for 4 years + it was with Sue. I just sat in the car after my tea and contemplated life. The drive home was just as sad, and I cried on that as well. It took about 2 hours before I was reasonably compsed last night. I still have not put all the walking gear away, I can't be bothered. I will do it soon. I did forget a few things, a sit mat in case it is wet and dog buscuits for Bess, these were the things that Sue always carried. I will have to try to remember them on 26th September. My legs and thigh muscles still ache today after that walk yesterday. I was glad I did it though, just wish I didn't feel so empty.

Donations from dads shop raised £156.95. I have sent this as a cheque to Animals Asia. When I get the donations or the receipt for the donations from the funeral director, they usually wait 6 weeks to allow any late donations to come in, then I will put that here as well, so you know how much was raised.

8.9.10 - I have definately changed these last few days, I feel "sadder" but not crying much if at all, the motor is ticking, but what drive I had, which was none has gone, I guess it is this week, doing things that I should be doing with Sue. In the early days when Sue died I was keen to get up, rather than stay in bed, OK, I didn't do anything when I got up, but now I am feeling lazy and just stay in bed until my usual time, when I think, oh well, may as well get up.
I am sure I will bounce out of it, I guess this was expected, and probably good, as I was going along too well really. I keep reliving Sue's last days and wish I could have done more. I know I could not and should not relive them, but they were the last days, if that makes sense. Also I keep wishing I had listened to her halucinations more, she was trying to communicate with me, in her funny way, and all I wanted was to sleep and put her off. At least when the nurse was here that night I went back to bed to be with Sue.

13.9.10 - The week following that update has been very up and down. I try not to dwell too much. Reasonably successfully. I find that touching Sue's stuff is really difficult. When a charity bag comes, had three in the last 4 weeks, then I think that is a good time to put a few things in and out for charity. That is about the extent of it. That is not easy. I found a letter I wrote to Sue a couple of months before she moved in in 2001, she had kept it to hand all this time. I started to read it, but could not after half a side, the tears just blinded me, I then tried a second time, just about reading it through the tears. So many of the things that I would say in the following years were in that letter, the one that stands out was that I often said to her that I would never let her go. I was my usual cheeky self, but also romantic and intimate. I told her exactly how I felt. Even steve Irwin got a mention! So I must have watched a couple of the TV specials in those early days with her. I told her how sad I felt when she got on the train in March 2000. "I'll never forget the sorrow I felt at the station when you went home. (I was careful not to use the words "left me, as I never want to think those words". That is a quote from the letter. As is this, "my body fills with a rush of joy when I think that one day (no hints) I'll propose to you". I won't quote any more, or your tummies will turn.

I was waiting for some friends to arrive, I looked out of grandpa's window, I still see it as his room, it is the spare front room, and looked out the window. Waiting for "our" friends to arrive looking out the window brought back many memories of when Sue would drive to me in the very early days, I would look out that window longingly, waiting for her. Not had that emotion before.

Our friends had a great time here, we then went out for lunch. After lunch I drove to the funeral directors and picked up the ashes. I expected to be very emotional, but just a few tears fell when the ashes were presented to me in a bag. It seemed so discrete. I looked inside once I was in the car, well, I could not resist. They look like bone meal that you put on the garden. Not quite what I was expecting. But then again I wasn't sure what to expect. It is quite heavy, about 2.5kgs. It is still two weeks before I take Sue to Dartmoor for the last time, but I wanted her back home. Also I pick dad up from the airport tomorrow from his week in Arizona. When I sent him a message saying that I was going to bring "Sue" with me to the airport he was overjoyed, and said he would have a tea on our return in her honour, also he will break out the muffins to have as well. When Sue came with me in the past we would stop at the services and have a tea and dad would pass muffins to us. These are blueberry muffins, a USA cake type thing, not like a crumpet we have in the UK!

On Friday last week I took mum to Beer in Devon. It is a place that she associates with her family. I have been quite a few times over the years. I took Sue there in the early days of when she was living here. We walked to Branscombe, the next village and sat on a bench looking out to sea. I remember Sue saying that her parents would love it there, we would take them there later that year, maybe 2002/2003. That bench was occupied as I approached, I think Sue kicked them out as as I approached they got up and left. I sat on the bench for a good 20 minutes, just contemplating and looking out to sea. I did not cry, but I did feel very emotional and meloncoly. I walked back to Beer and had lunch with mum. We then sat on the beach, but Sue arranged another thing. When I had been there the few times previously over the last 39 years the tide never went out that far, my friend and I had managed to walk about half way to the headland on one occasion about 20 years ago. This time however I noticed that the tide was way out, and I did not hesitate to desert mum again to see if I could go all the way, to the headland. Not only could I go all the way, but way beyond the headland, to a small beach cove the other side. It was magnificent.

28.9.10 - Yesterday I picked up four Acer trees three of which I have put near the pond / rockery / filter house. The fourth, I have yet to decide. Picking up the trees was ok, mind you I had a spot of bother and was called thick by someone. I went looking for the nursery, and was looking for a sign that said nursery. Ops. I drove to a private residence and was told politely where to go. I went looking, and as it turns out actually stopped at the correct place, but it looked none descript, and so I drove on, thought this is not right and turned around and ended up outside that same miseralbe old sods house, I got out the car all smiles, but got a mouthful and was called "you must be think or something". I simply agreed, what was the point of agrueing with some old fart, and this time was told no so politely where to go. I then found it easily. I picked up the trees and made my way home. When I got home I cooked some lunch and thought what shall I watch. So I put on Wolverine, it was what Sue and I had planned on seeing at the cinema, but never got to see. It was set in the Canadian Rockies, the one place that Sue really wanted to see. I did feel quite sad planting the trees, it seemed a massive shame that Siue was not there to at least see them go in, and to see that my mad idea of going from one acer tree to three around the pond area was a good idea. I simply found three places then found three acers that I liked, all dwarf, to fit in said places. The original acer that I liked, was the fourth, well, I had to get it as it was my first choice.

Today I visited our friends, who happen to own a koi dealership, so I stopped by for a chat and a cup of tea. I was there for two and a half hours. I then drove to the Forest of Dean and walked Bess where I had been with Sue a few times previously. The walk was ok, Sue had never done it. Surprisingly I was not too sad having my tea, just empty and melancoly. I just chilled out in the car relaxing, remembering good times.

Two friends made a suggestion about remembering Sue all at the same time. I like the idea about getting everyone to stop and think about Sue. I will aim to stop and have my last quiet moments with Sue on Dartmoor on 26th September, which would have been our 6th wedding anniversary at about 11am, give or take quite a bit, can I suggest that you do the same, either think about Sue and your memories of her, or just think about your closest or just think about yourselves. I am also tempted to go back to Dartmoor on 7th October, as that was her birthday. I would be "with" her on her day.


Dartmoor, my first solo walk. My war story.
Whenever Sue was unwell or struggling with a walk I always reminded her of this walk, of my agonising struggles and close call with death and nearly being stuck in the middle of Dartmoor in the middle of the night, if it wasn't for my bravery and courage to overcome pain and agony.

I have narrowed this date down to mid late May 2003. I know that it worked out quite well as my pain lasted over Queen's and Wimbledon tennis, so was perfect timing, it meant that I had a few weeks rest and relaxation before any more walks. The reason I was solo was because Sue had gone back to Cambridge for a girlie weekend.
I missed her like all hell, or should I say heaven, anyway you know what I mean. I set out on this walk thinking let's make it a big one, one to remember, lets see how far I can walk alone. It was one to remember alright.
It was the first walk that I did in light weight boots, previously to this I had done all our walks with heavy weight leather boots and had never had a problem with that, but had read and heard from someone that lightweight boots were the way to go, so I thought, right, let's give it a go. I bought some light weight boots, wore them a few times then set off in them, mistake number one.

The walk started ok, as far as walking went, the weather was good and I naturally made good time, afterall I didn't have poor Sue behind me. The trouble was I missed her terribly, really missed her on that walk, from the start, I was miserable out there alone.

I will name places that way it is easier for me, but I appreciate that they will mean nothing to you. I set off and crossed Brat Tor and Doe Tor, Sharp Tor and Hare Tor and made my way to Fur Tor. That is about 8km. Say 5 miles over quite rough terrain. Crossing three rivers / streams. I remember making Fur Tor in good time. Maybe too quickly, maybe Sue slowing me down was a good thing for my muscles. See where this is heading. My next mistake was not checking my water, I was running very low by this time and made Cut Hill empty of water. Now of course you won't know this but I dehydrate very quickly. I should have checked water at one of the three river crossings, and probably would have if Sue had been with me. When alone, I simply walk, I don't think about what is happening.
My next stop was Black Hill, but I could see from the map that there were no water courses, so I had to take a diversion to the west to a small header stream. There is a proper name for them, learnt that in geography, they are smaller than a stream. As I approached it my right leg dropped into a ditch. Now, of course you will know that I said I never fell over, well, technically that is still correct, as I didn't fall over, one leg just disappeared down a ditch. I got it out, but was the damage done there I wonder. I walked with no problems to the stream, filled up and continued on my merry way to Black Hill. This is where my next problem occured, I could feel something in my boots, it felt odd, like a stone, but it wasn't a stone. I knew instinctively what it was and stopping and taking my boot off confirmed my worst fear, a blister. Of course, if I had stopped when I first felt it about a mile ago, it would have been mearly a red mark, but no, by now it was a blister. I had a first aid kit so I padded it dressed it and carried on, but my long walk I knew was over. By now I had walked 11 km or say 8 miles. Heading west away from the car would have been fool hardy, so I turned north east towards Black Ridge and then Jackmans Bottom. I think it was near Jackman's Bottom that I stopped for lunch. Normally on our walks we took those meals that you boil in a bag, you know put the bag in boiling water, heat the whole meal up and hey presto. They were delicious meals out in the hills and we always appreciated them. For this walk I wanted to try to save a tad of weight. So I took on of those meals where you boil water and add the boiling water to the dehydrated meal. Bearing in mind that I was still miserable out there alone without Sue and had blisters, this meal did nothing whatsoever to help my mindset. It was disgusting beyond words, in fact I think I gave most of it to the dogs. I thought sod it and thought may as well carry on and make my way back to the car, there were some nice paths to follow not too far away. I simply wanted out of there. I was a further 2 or just over kms from my last stop, where I had dressed the blisters, above, say a mile. Just looking at the map, if it wasn't Jackman's Bottom where I was eating it was near Brims Brook, just a short distance away. Come on this was seven years ago.

I left where I had eaten, and started walking up a hill. I have only ever seen an adder twice in my life, once was with Sue and we saw one, we walked passed it in Cheddar. I saw the second one on this walk, walking up this hill, I walked to within a few feet of it, it was curled up on a boulder, and despite what people say, it didn't move, and I nearly sh**ted myself. I had to keep the dogs back, and carefully walk passed it. Just as well I saw it. It was a bit scary, I must admit. An adder for our foreign friends is like a viper snake, the only poisinous snake in the UK.

It was shortly after leaving the adder than I felt my right thigh muscle give out. Walking got slower and more painful but I made a track that I had headed for, and was thankful for that, a nice track to walk along. Looking at the map now, there is a chance I was even further west than I thought, as I remember the track direction and where I am now typing this doesn't add up to the track position in my head, if that is the case I was actually further from the car than I am going to continue here, so this will make it sound a doddle.

Following the track would have been at least 12 kms, say 7 miles to the car. That is a minimum, based on I can't remember exactly where I was. Did I say it was seven years ago.

Walking along the track was excrutiatingly painful. I was literally putting my left leg about a few inches in front of the right leg and then putting weight on it was agony, like toothache. Mind blowingly painful. And so so slow. I remember thinking that at that speed doing that distance I would never make the car in daylight, if at all. I made a decision there and then, cross country. A direct dead on heading of east would take me directly to the car. 7 kms away, say 4 miles. That is about half the pathed route, ok the figures don't add up, but you get the idea. The kms are fairly accurate, I am counting the squares on the map and guessing the miles from that figure. Also I have a real feeling that I was actually further west than that. I remember just going directly east, stomping anything and everything in my path. Well, stomping is not the right word of course, it was tiny steps of agonisingly slowly painful proportions. I walked over and through heath and heather, nothing got in my way, I walked around tussocks, up hill and down dale. There was at least one river, and probably two to cross. One was easy, the second less so, but I don't remember crossing that, but it is there on the map, so I must have crossed it somehow. I remember stopping very regularly, and taking painkilling tablets and anti inflammatory tablets, but they did not even dent the pain.

When I got to kitty Tor I had to make another decision, to keep on my eastery direction directly to the car or take another track to the car, the track was further, but much easier and by now I could barely walk and the crsoo country had taken its toll on my leg, body and morale. The direct way was about 4kms, say 2.5 miles. But the track was double that. I guess I had saved a lot of mileage with my previous cross country walking and now decided that the track was the way to go, so I took that. Slowly slowly plodding along this track. I knew the track quite well, I had done it with Sue a few times, so it was like home. I think I sent her a message but can't remember if I got one back or not at that time, I am pretty sure I did later. I know that was her day out with her friends. Anyway, despite all my worries and possibly being stranded in the middle of Dartmoor all night I finally slowly made it back to the car. I put my gear in the boot, made a tea, my first tea in hours and also drank extra water. I opened the car door and got the left leg in and sat down on the seat. But my right leg would not move an inch, the muscle was totally dead. I could wiggle my toes and all but my thigh was dead. I had to use my arms and hands to lift my right leg into the car. Thankfully there was movement in the ankle, so I could drive home and recount my war story to Sue over the following years.

Dartmoor, my successful long walk a year later in September 2004, just before we got married, Sue went on her Hen night with her friends in Cambridge and I took the oportunity to try the same walk again.

Ready....
24.9.10 - Last night was very sad, I kept revisiting my last moments with Sue, well, the last 12 hours, really. Wishing there had been more I could have done when there was nothing that could be done. Now I am getting ready for what is effectively my last walk with "Sue". I will do other walks and they will also be with Sue, but only in spirit. This one will be with her. I will be saying my good byes to her on Sunday at about 11am. I will aim to arrive at Dartmoor and park the car before 9am, that way, I will be there and ready to thank her for over 10 wonderful years, as it will be 9am Sunday 6 weeks ago that Sue passed away. So I will mark two times, 9am and 11am.

I was going to take my newest rucksack, but it is quite large and heavy for a shortish walk of about 8 miles. I had a rucksack before the current one, and Sue was quite interested in it, so in the interests of recycling, I sold it to her, I got a very good price for it. Sue used it in Scotland on our last holiday together, I must write a bit about that holiday one day as well, but lets say that on one walk poor Sue took a tumble, as was her want, and ended up in a big muddy heap, with this rucksack at the bottom. I remember her being distrought, as she had messed up the rucksack, and a brand new coat she had bought. She was not a happy bunny. But that is for another time. The rucksack still had a little mud on it from that fall.

I picked out my gloves ready for Sunday, need to be prepared, Dartmoor can through all sorts at you. The tears flowed when I took the gloves out of the drawer, I bought them on our honeymoon in the Lake District.

The walk in 2004 followed a similar route to the war story of a year previously. Brat Tor, Doe Tor, Sharp Tor, to Fur Tor. I had learnt a lot in the year between the walks, I ditched the light weight walking boots and switched totally to trail shoes, like trainers but for the trail or tussocks of Dartmoor. These were lovely and comfortable, and very light, like walking in slippers, boots were a thing of the past, never again would I wear boots. These were not waterproof in the slightest, in fact the oposite, they had mesh in the sides and let water in very easily, but the bonus was no sooner was it in than it was out again. From Fur Tor I cut cross country to Okement Hill, and the rest was "pathed" from there I headed to Steepleton Tor, which was my planned return point. It was at the bottom of Steepleton Tor that I ate lunch, this time I took a proper boil in the bag meal, I remember really enjoying that meal. I felt strangely at peace on that walk, totally alone, but not lonely like I had a year before. That was probably the only walk on Dartmoor where I was alone, but not lonely. I had the two dogs with me, as before as well. After eating I had quite a bounce in my step, but a heck of a walk back. As the crow flies 12kms, or say 8 miles, but there would be no flying crows this time. I was using tracks. At the top of Steepleton Tor I could see Wild Tor, it sort of called to me and I just had to walk to it, even though it was slightly off my route. These Tors are nearer the other side of Dartmoor than the side I started on. Sue would in the following year or so see these Tors, but only from starting from the other side. She would never have been able to it from the side I started on. The only other bit that really springs to mind was I was walking along a track with a ford across it. That is a ford not a Ford. I remember many times getting to a ford with Sue in boots and having to carefully use stepping stones to cross it, or get across darn quickly to avoid getting my boots soaked, but on this occasion I didn't mind getting wet feet. What made this particular crossing stand out was an elderly couple were by their car, don't ask me how they got their car there, I have no idea, and they were on the other side of the ford, or water crossing on a track, and I just walked up to the ford and without a single hesitation stepped right in and through it, walked passed them and nonshalently said hello and walked on my merry way. Shoes sloshing out water. Magic. I headed for Yes Tor, Sourton Tor and eventually back to the car. That walk was about 35 kms, or say a good 20 miles. I would never beat that. I think it was slightly longer than the one twenty miler that Sue and I did. Most of our Dartmoor walks were about 15 miles, give or take.

I remember one walk we did in September, probably 2005, so a year later, it was around that same area, Steepleton Tor, from that side, of course, we had misinterpreted the weather, thinking it would be warm, Sue wore a walking skirt and me shorts, that was one of the very few times when we actually shivered with cold. What made it worse was the rain. We got wet, usual silly thing thinking the rain would pass, but it didn't and we got quite wet. We got to that same ford that I had crossed previously, and as my feet were reasonably dry this time, waterproof trail shoes, I carefully stepped over stones to the other side. We ate at that ford.
We had many adventures on Dartmoor and all memorable for many reasons, not all cold and wet. The thought of some of those walks now, gives me kittens. Also wonderful memories.

26.9.10 - I woke up at 3am, then again at 5am. Alarm set for 5.30am.
I feel strange, very strange. No tears, yet, just emptyness, that I am walking or will walk alone. Doesn't seem poss that it would have been 6 years today that we married, instead it is 6 weeks today I lost Sue. How ironic.

I was actually a bit ahead of myself, but that is nothing new, my feet walk too quickly sometimes, just ask Sue, oh, you can't, wonder why that is, a bit of sarcasm there. I truely feel very very frustrated about that. I was an hour ahead, that wasn't all down to my feet, but I still managed to mark 11am, but with a cup of tea at one of our spots, Bleak House.

In total I walked about 17 kms, say 11ish miles. That was a bit more than I expected. I left the car at about 8.45am, I specifically wanted to get to a point below Brat Tor, as that was the last place that Sue ever actually walked on Dartmoor last year. Yes, last year. She walked in August about 300 yards from the car park to a spot below Brat Tor. Where we sat was easy to find. I got there for 9am. That was exactly 6 weeks after Sue died. I felt "cold" when I got there, but the emotions soon took over, memories flooded back, and the tears came. I did not linger there for long, I continued and had to wade across a small stream, so my trail shoes were flooded and I had hardly even started, thankfully my feet never got particularly cold.

The sun was shining and the sky was clear. I got to Doe Tor about 9.30, there was a breeze so I didn't linger, even though I was ahead of time. I had a plan to make time work for me. I had to walk back down to the stream, different place and head up to Brat Tor. I got there at 10am. Whilst there I set Sue free, she will be able to watch over the whole of Dartmoor and surrounding area. Feel the sun on her back when it rises and on her face when it sinks. I just stood and cried, cried at who I had lost and how I had lost her. Again with the breeze I didn't want to get cold, so I didn't linger too long. Though I wanted to stay all day. I headed off towards Arms Tor and Great Links Tor, once there I knew how I was going to mark the 11th hour, tea at Bleak House. You may remember on our holiday to Dartmoor the very first walk we did was past Brat Tor and Great Links Tor and stopped at Bleak House. I think we also stopped at Green Tor, just a few hundred yards from Bleak House. We only ever went there once. It is one of those tors, once seen, no point going back, in that it leads nowhere. So I stopped at Bleak House to day and remembered over 10 wonderful years of knowing Sue. I guess really it is now 11 years, as I first wrote to her in September 1999, that is eleven years ago, so the 11th hour seemed fitting, just thought of that, cleaver, aren't I!!

After my tea and tears, again, I headed north on a path, well, path is used loosely. This took me to an abandoned railway track, the track long gone, now just a path. Once on the track I had to make a decision, take the track back to the car, remember this is the track in my war story, or head away and towards Kitty Tor. Well, I never pass up an oportunity to stroke a kitty, so Kitty tor it was. Afterall, sue would have continued onwards, she would not have gone to the car at that time. I know there is an easier way from kitty Tor to Sourton Tor, but this time I din't even look for it. Couldn't be bothered. I took a compass bearing 320 degrees as the bird flies, over Woodcock Hill, a totally nondescript hill of totally devoid anything, Sue had never walked it, just long grass, boggy patches, and of clourse a few kiddy sized tussocks. The going was tough, about 4kms of nothing, and there was a time when even I thought what the heck am I doing going this way and would Sue have managed it. I did stop and have a roll in the middle of nowhere, again I felt desolate, so once my roll was eaten, with help from Bess, I did not linger. Once over Woodcock Hill I saw Branscombe's Tor, it is on a "direct" path to Sourton Tor, and headed for that, the going got much easier, I found a path, of sorts, but it was very wet and boggy, this was the only time my feet did get a bit cold with the wet. I know Sue would have cursed the paths, just as I do, as one minute they are there, then like magic they are gone. Once there it was an easy hike to Sourton Tor.

When I got to Sourton tor I stopped for another roll, and a tea. Only my second tea of the walk. A lovely couple walked passed and stopped to pass the time of day and I broached why I was there, they stopped and talked and were very sympathetic, they offered me a sandwhich and a piece of chocolate. I told them about this diary, so when they get back to the States they may look it up, if you do, thanks for a wonderful half hour. You really cheered my day up, even if for that half hour, that was worth a lot.

I left there and followed the path towards the car, but as I approached the base of Brat Tor, I found my legs carrying me back up there, I stopped just below, and had another tea in Sue's honour. As always when I was with Sue I didn't want to leave her, but I could not stay all night. Again part of me wanted to. I headed down to the car, but again my legs carried me to where I started the walk, the same place where Sue managed to walk last year. I just did not want the day and the memories to end. I have very good memories of Dartmoor, even the wet soggy ones were good. I know I will go back, and each time will be easier, eventually. Whether I can get the passion to hike the distances alone and without someone special I don't know. At least I have age and time on my side.

I got to the car, had another tea and another roll, I didn't eat like I would have with Sue, didn't fancy a cooked meal, nor heating it. I looked up at Brat Tor from the car park said my good byes, well au revoir, as mum says don't say good bye but say au revoir. French for goodbye. I drove out the car park, to the road, turned around and drove back to the car park. I was not ready to leave. I sat in the car, tears streaming my eyes, looking up at Brat Tor, made another tea. I stayed about an extra half hour, and left for a second time. Hating leaving Sue behind. Traffic was bad on the M5 motorway, so I didn't get home until about 8pm. Just in time for a bit of snooker.

I did still look behind me several times when walking, to see if Sue was keeping up, and once spoke out loud to her. I also feel Sue would have managed that cross country part of the walk, just at her pace, and probably cursing me all the way, but, like me probably would have been proud to have made it. It was actually good navigational practice. I would have been far more concerned in the mist, but there wouldn't have been any danger on that section in any event, only danger in the mind, panic.

There isn't much humour in my writing today, as there wasn't much humour today. I did smile a few times, usually imagining Sue's comments about various things like where the heck was I dragging her. Or her cursing me when I had to cross a stream, but they were all things she had done before. This reminds me of something I said to the American couple at Sourton Tor, I said that it was probably really me that got us out to Dartmoor, my enthusiasm for that sort of walking once Sue said she wanted more than just the playing field, and the kind gentleman replied back that she came with me because she wanted to be with me. And that is exactly how I felt about Sue as well. We both loved each others company, despite what the other was doing, within reason. With a chuckle.

I will pick the plaque up tomorrow and place it in the shrubbery bed at the crematorium.

3.10.10 - It is a week since Dartmoor, another week since I lost my beloved Sue, seven weeks now. How time flies, the pain is no better, in fact it is worse, I just live with it. This morning I did not want to get up. I woke at 5am, as is usual these days, stupid time to wake up, I don't want to bloody well wake up at 5 sodding o clock. Anyway, I cat napped til 6.30, had a read til 7.30, then cat napped til 8.15, I just did not fancy getting up at all, the weather outside was horrid as well. It was after I did eventually stir my backside that I realised the day, Sunday, 7 weeks on.

This week has been a bit of a blur and a bore, like most times now without Sue around. I still have no will to do much at all at the moment, the drive is still missing, that will stay gone for quite a while I guess. I am surviving at the moment. Eating fine, mum sees to that, and getting lots of exercise, esp walking Bess. I also keep an eye on the pond. It is howling out there now, and hammering down with rain. Autumn is upon us, but at least it is mild so far. There has been no cricket this week, aww shucks, there is a T20 at the end of the week. I did go to the cinema with mum, saw The Other Guys, we were both disappointed with that. Mum put it on a par with Resident Evil 3D, I said RE was much better. I am sitting in the conservatory typing this out, too dark in the lounge, can't be bothered to put the light on. Besides the conservatory has a nice view of the pond, and the rain.

I visited the crematorium twice this week after placing it, and saw the plaque. When I picked it up on Monday I was shattered and in tears carrying it to where I personally placed it. I did not want to put it in the ground for ages, just held on to it, crying. Wondering why us. It was so final, her name on there and all, and the words I put on, they were how I felt about her all the time I knew her. Well, maybe not the rest in peace bit. I said a lot of things to her in her life, but don't think I ever said rest in peace. Mind you, it is the sort of silly thing that I might have said in jest. I know she is quite comfortable up there, she will have placed a cozy chair to sit in and relax, waiting. She told me she will wait at the Pearly Gates, she wants to wait for those "responsible" for putting her up there, and hold them off. I think it will be her Rourke's Drift. I told her I would catch her up, one day, just not as quickly as I used to.

My week will be a bit busier this week, got the roof being fixed on Wednesday, and my garage door, that is a bit dodgy, to say the least.

Thursday I plan to go back to Dartmoor and be with Sue on her birthday. Someone suggested getting a birthday cake and "sharing" it with Sue on her birthday. I think I dumped the candles, but they would probably go out in the wind.

I am finding that life without Sue is getting harder at the moment, it has been for the past two weeks or more now.

I am sending off some more cheques to Animals Asia, the charity that I asked on Sue's behalf for people to give money. I sent them £156.95 the other week. Another member sent them £42, that was a pound per year of Sue's life. Dad's shop raised another £46. The shop next door to dad raised £50. The funeral collection raised £83. There were also cheques from two other donors, for £25 and £10. That brings the total to £412.95. I know that Sue's close friends also gave a donation directly to one of the members, so that can be added on as well. I think we may top £500, lets see. Whatever, I know that Sue would be chuffed to bits. Shame she not here to share it with us. That's the chuffed to bits bit, not the money.

7.10.10 - The walk and Sue's birthday. Sue would have been 43 today, if the collective idiots in charge had done a decent job on her, sorry, but calling them idiots is me being polite.
Anyway, enough of me being bitter and twisted, as if I didn't have reason.

The walk, as there probably are not many reading this drivel anyway, let me see if I can scare off the few that are. A few facts and figures from this walk. It was about 24km / 13-14 miles. The 13 mile is probably fairly accurate, as I used my bits of string to measure it. It is a ten mile long bit of string, 10 miles to scale for the map. I also have a five and two mile bit of string. I used my walking watch and set the logbook running on it, well, why not, eh. Here we go. My heart averaged 134 bpm, or 174 max bpm and 107 min bpm. So I was ticking along. I did a total ascent of 850 meters at an average of 6 meters per minute. Within that total ascent I did 4 "laps" that is four climbs of over 50 meters or 4 big hills. The walk took me about 6 and a quarter hours. If I had had Sue with me, we could have added a good hour of walking and an hour for our lunch, one of those cooked meals, but by myself, walking is best, stopping is miserable. So my stops were infrequent and as quick as I could stuff a roll down my gullet. I did still find time for three teas from my three cup flask. If I had had Sue with me it would have been a wonderful day's walk, but alone it was a nice enough walk. Sue would have enjoyed it very much.

I saw a few walkers at the begining and the end and they all had walking boots on, I think I was the odd one out with my trail shoes, yet again. Yet again it was the right decision, for me, despite wet feet. Might have to keep eye on my right little toe, it has some hard skin on it that when wet goes soggy and sort of blistery, but not an actual blister, tender but not painful.

I managed to fall down a hole, well, one leg did, don't panic, it was a little hole, about thigh deep, and technically was not really a fall as such, one leg just disappeared and I managed to stay upright, mind you a massive rock helped on that score. Naturally I could hear Sue having a bloody good laugh. The weather was nice and dry and sunny. But VERY windy. It was warmer than last time, amazingly, being ten days on, but windier. It was a similar walk to last week, with slight alterations. Sue would have worn her boots and she would have had nice dry feet.

I arrived at the car park about 8.30, and as I drove in the tears fell. I parked the car, unloaded my gear and opened my pack, I saw the birthday card that dad had done for Sue, he had bought it in the USA in April and wanted me to read it to Sue. I saw the card in my pack and cried again. Heavier this time. I just walked about, lost in tears. Once I was under control I heated my milk and had my cereal. I then got on the path for Brat Tor. I could hear Sue cursing me as I found a nice path up it, whereas before we went straight up and that was rough going. I didn't fancy getting soaked feet getting to Dor Tor this time, and in any event I added a bit more later on, so I skipped that part. I stopped at Brat tor and read dad's card and had some birthday cake "with" Sue. I looked out onto the view that Sue has, it is wonderful, stretches for miles. From there I walked to Great Links Tor, then towards Bleak House, I tried to keep my feet dry, but it was a losing battle, the "path" was very wet and boggy, then to Kitty Tor, I managed to find "paths" for want of a better description. Sue would have appreciated the "paths". I was only off "paths" for a fraction of the walk. Thankfully as it was warm my feet were not cold, despite being wet.

From Kitty Tor I headed for Steng-a Tor, that is just one minefield of wetness around that thing. OK, walking boots I might have made it there dry, but there would be no guarantee, one boot in a bog... It was after leaving Steng-a and heading for Branscombes Tor that I approached a large rocky area, put my right foot down to leaver myself up and ops, my right leg disappeared, down a hole into a wet boggy water pit. The only evidence, other than perhaps a slight ache in the ankle is a small cut on my finger, about 2mm round, tiny thing. Anyway, I pulled myself up and out and carried on, I should have whistled, like to indicate that wasn't me. I could imagine Sue have a terrific laugh at my expense, but me argiung that I still had not technically fallen over and that I saved her from going down it by being the gentleman and leading from the front. Mind you, Sue is probably thinking if she had been with me, I would have missed it, walked passed it, looked back to see her disappearing down it. A typical Laural and Hardy move.

As the army were using part of Dartmoor for live firing practice they shut sections off, so I had to miss a bit that I thought of, I did already know this from looking it up on the web, and walked to and around Meldon Reservoir. For some reason Sue and I never walked around this together, no idea why, just didn't. So I did today, it was a lovely walk, again a lovely path to follow. The water was a wondeful blue and the walk was sheltered, I stopped to take my coat off. When with Sue I probably looked about me more, alone I don't notice so much going on, I just walk, eyes down on the path, that helps prevent me falling down holes. The path went all around and back to the open moor, where I went to Sourton Tor and had a tea. By this time the wind had picked up a new ferocity.

I left there and headed back to Brat Tor, well, there was no way I was going to not pay one last visit to Sue. I noticed a bunch of walkers, but thankfully they were going elsewhere. I would rather walk alone than with a bunch of walkers. But with someone very special like Sue, now that made all the difference. I had rolls, cake and tea on Brat Tor with Sue. Then as usual it was time to leave and head for the car. This I did very reluctantly.

I stayed in the car for about an hour in that time the storm clouds came in from behind Sue and the sun that was behind me lit up Brat tor in a spectacular light, my little mobile phone did not do it justice. I looked for a rainbow, but one did not appear for me. Again I did not want to leave, but time was ticking and I wanted to pay a visit to Hound Tor, the last place we stopped at on our way home in 2003 on our holiday. It rained most of the drive there, but whilst it stayed cloudy, when I got there the rain stopped, I got out and walked Bess to it and back again, that is a short walk, one that is easy for anyone to do. If Sue had been allowed to survive a bit longer or a lot longer, even with one leg, that is a walk she could have done quite easily, well, reasonably easily. I sadly left there and drove home, listening to music and feeling fairly upbeat, maybe Sue was still with me.

12.10.10 - I had an ECG gone on my heart today, I passed with flying colours. The reason I had it done is when I was last at the drs they took my pulse and it was rather high, the dr said I was probably excited to see him. So they set this thing up and took my blood. Darn that needle is sharp and pointy. I only had one needle stuck in me, and I have good veins, Sue always commented on my veins being good and that they ought to take my blood rather than hers. It was very sad being there alone without Sue to kid me. Anyway, the upshot is I won't be catching her up just yet, lucky for Sue, she will have a bit more peace and quiet.

After I popped out to the crematorium and told her I had had a prick. Well, ok, I am telling her that now. A thought did occure to me, though, Sue died just over 8 weeks ago, not even nine weeks yet, another week and a half to go to ten weeks. Remember ten weeks, that is how long, and then some, it took for the t***s, sorry that is being unfair to t***s, to start the chemo this year from when a consultant could not "clear" an x ray... I don't doubt for one second if they had got that chemo going quicker Sue would still be here now. But that prick, in my arm, did make me realise and appreciate what Sue had to endure. I looked up t**t = a foolish person, that will do.

16.10.10 - I went with mum to Beer today, I walked Bess to Branscome and had a cup of tea there, my own of course. The weather was very good, cloudy, but dry and not cold. I got home and put my foot in it with a message I posted. Stupid idiot, I won't learn. I just don't know where my head is, in the clouds I think. On Wednesday mum and I went to a garden centre to select a few heathers for the rockery by pond, I will plant them up sometime soon. I will try to post a few pix here when done. The pix will still be on my mobile phone, as I have still not fixed my computer, that will wait for a while.

17.10.10 - I heard from the Animals Asia lady the today, she actually emailed me a few days ago, but to my main computer, the one that is down, so I only ever turn it once once now and again, as I have to bypass start up disk check to get it to start, probably next month I will try to install Windows 7 and start it up afresh, but for now, I am afraid it is still a case of bugger it. Anyway, I digress, the lady saw that I had put the amount here for money raised, she told me that the other people who gave her cheques at the funeral, I think I did mention above that there was more money that I did not know the amount to, that was an extra £80. So the total so far is £492.95. That I know about.
Had our first frost today, bit nippy out. I am well wrapped up, even inside.

18.10.10 - Dad told me that his Mason friends have pledged to donate £50. So that raises the total to £542.95.

31.10.10 - There is not a lot happening. I am doing the three essentials, Eating, mum does that, just as well, if I was home alone I would just waste away, Exercise, I have Bess to thank for that, and Sleeping ok. Some nighs are better than others, but generally sleep is ok, unless I am very down. Waking up is the worst part. I wake up and think, gotta get through another day. There is plenty of cricket on in November, so that will keep my mind occupied. I do enjoy cricket on tv.

There is no doubt that the early days after losing Sue were a doddle compared to now. It is getting harder without her now than it ever was. My dad summed it nicely, losing Sue was like picking up 50 pence and losing a pound. I am not saying Sue was worth only 50p, in fact she was worth a pound, we have lost more than the sum of what we gained. Sue brought something with her, a love, a heart and hope. By losing her I have lost my heart. I just have to wait, time will heal, eventually. Just have to be patient, and that is not one of my virtues. I have been causing my usual degredation on a new koi forum. Well, i just had to join as Pussy Galore. It seems that the pond and koi are one of the major things that helps keep me sane. Without that, God only knows where I would be. I get depressed but don't feel I am suffering depression. I am not taking any tablets. I am a tea urn instead. Evenings and to an extent mornings are the worse. This weekend so far has been ok, all things considered. But last weekend I was very depressed. In fact dad popped around to see me for a short while. Last weekend was 10 weeks since Sue died. I regularly go through what happened and wish I could have done more to help. It was such a waste, losing Sue. I feel that my mourning is being held back due to the cock ups and delays that caused it all. It fuels my anger.

Two years ago Sue won a cup for skittles at a Bear Rescue / China Bear skittle evening. The little tinker even beat me. We could not go last year as of course Sue was in Oxford having a massive lump removed from her hip. If she had been able I could still have pictured her playing skittles even on one leg, she would have given it a crack, at least. Alas, sadly that was never to be. I was asked if I wanted to attend this year. I was not sure at all, but I had honour to preserve, and defend that cup. When Sue brought that cup home two years ago we didn't know where to put it, the house was so cluttered, so we put it in the spare room.
I was at the skittle evening in body, but my mind, heart and spirit were nowhere in site. I was an empty shell watching from the outside. Having said that they all made it a great evening and money was raised for the bears. Did I want to be there, I don't know. But I am glad I went. I started badly, scoring three then three off my first two balls. There were nice nibbles, so I must admit my tummy took over and I just jumped in. My next ball scored 4. So I was on 10. Not doing at all well. I then hit seven down, I wonder if Sue helped with that aim, and there was a shoot out between myself and my joint leader. I only managed another three or 4, but somehow that was enough to win. So I got that cup back, now where the hell shall I put it. I also left with oodles of food.
On the way home I saw a sign for the crematorium. Well, there was only one place my car was going after seeing that sign. So I drove and parked outside the locked gates of the crematorium. I listened to music for a short while. Then I got out, and walked through a gap, there is a legitimate foot path through the crematorium, so technically I was not trespassing, but I did slightly wonder off it for a few seconds. I could make out, just, Sue's plaque, but it was far too dark to read it. It was about 10pm.

I have been out to the crematorium several times in the last few weeks. I take Bess. there are fields around it, so I can walk Bess as well. Well, it does kill two birds with one stone. Thankfully my sense of stupid humour still abounds, just as well. Last week I went out one afternoon and sat in the car in the car park listening to 1812 and westlife. I like listening to 1812 a lot in the car, I am not quite sure on the history of the piece, but it sounds war like and that is how I feel. I want heads to fall, and one day, whatever happens on Earth, the people responsible with get there just deserts, either here or there. I am reading a book called Rogue Element.

I have been through all the photos we took in the earlier days, the days of film, and put some nice ones of Sue next to my chair. She was a real looker. And that smile was ever present.

20.11.10 – I am now typing this on my main PC on Word, so I hope that it gets formatted properly once back on PBase.
I spent some of today, as I have many days, with mum watching some cricket and had a nice lunch there. I doubt I would bother myself if I was left to my own devices at home.
I left at about 5pm, I was already prepared for my half hour “with” Sue. I drove out to the crematorium and parked in a lay-by. There is a public footpath that runs through the grounds and to a field behind the crematorium. I walked Bess there. Bess has not been herself these last two days. I noticed on Thursday that she was very quiet. Lunch time I saw her licking her belly, so I had a look and saw a bare patch. At first it did not look inflamed. It did not seem painful. On Friday, yesterday, she was still very quiet and did not want to get up. I made an appointment with the vet. It might be some sort of eczema. Her temperature was 104. I have anti biotics and a wash and she had an injection to help with the pain and discomfort.
After walking Bess I walked to Sue’s plaque, I knelt before it and in the dark touched the raised letters. The tears flowed. I had prepared my flask and had my cup and tea in my bag. I drank a tea to Sue. In fact I drank three teas. It was so quiet and peaceful, terribly sad, but wonderful to be “with” Sue. I kept drinking teas as that way I didn’t “have” to leave. After my third, I packed up and not wanting to leave, left. On the way out, in a dream world, weak and lethargic I walked to the car, thinking I need to pop behind a bush. Hardly surprising. At that moment of thought a car pulled in to the lay by, well, that is Sue’s sense of humour for you. Anyway, it left soon enough, not a moment too soon.

14.3.11 - Just typing here, can't be arsed with my pc. We can add £60 to the bear fund, with more coming. Dad's shop is selling cards that a customer makes, the proceeds go to the bears. I had a quick look at the photos here of Sue, not the wisest things to do, but lovely, come home sweetheart. Tricky seeing anything past a blurred vision. The frogs have been laying their spawn in the stream, so I collected it up, asked permission and took it to the small lake at the crematorium. Sue's spirit can look over the froglets. I still visit there quite regularly, not sure if that the wisest thing either, but have to be near Sue's spirit, it is like a calling. Don't half still miss her. This coming weekend will be 11 years since Sue first visited me, and a year since we had the "news" that that x-ray was uncertain. Both the 17th of March. I will try not to delete this all, but god only knows what I will press to save this.

24.3.11 - I sent another £105 to the charity Animals Asia. Current total £707.95.


26.3.11 – My last entry above was a bit negative, wasn’t it. Let me make you laugh with this, or maybe not. I have to say that at the time it was anything but funny, but upon recounting it to my dad we both laughed raucously. It was a dream I had this morning and it was about Sue and she was in it. I was lying in bed, and for some reason Sue was at the end of the bed, curled up, I think. The door opened and in walked a load of doctors and nurses with these bloody big needles and things and they all walked over towards me, I desperately shook them off and I pointed towards Sue, saying I think you need Sue. Nah, not so funny now. It woke me up with a start anyway, and I thought oh flaming heck, sod it and bugger. Must admit that waking up is never pleasurable, by far the worse time for me. The evening are not too bad, all things considered, so that is something. I wonder about a lot, aimlessly. Not sure how it will be once the clocks go forward tonight, I quite like the dark evenings.

I have done a few Cheddar walks this year, maybe 5, the last one the equal longest since losing Sue, 4 and a half hours of trudging. I say trudging as it is not an “enjoyable” walk, not yet, anyhow. Three walks ago I was half way there when I suddenly realised that I had left my flask behind with my hot water for tea. In all the walks that we did, I have never done that, I didn’t half miss my tea. Then the walk a couple of weeks or so later, or two walks ago, I arrived at Cheddar, well, just up the road to be precise, got out the car and said to myself oh you blithering idiot. This time I had left my rolls behind. So I had to cut the walk short, I would never have done a long walk without rolls in the belly. Thankfully the last walk I did not forget anything. I will probably go back on Monday.

I have also done a few short walks in the Forest of Dean, on the way back from visiting friends near there.
I have been busy on the koi forum, causing as much mayhem as is possible, it does give me a good laugh, which is greatly needed. There are times when I leave it alone for awhile, like a day or less. I probably get on a few nerves, but what the hell, do I care, the hell I do.

Whenever I do something or say something I usually stop in my tracks, and take a deep breath, life is incredibly frustrating. Sad as well, of course. I don’t get the enjoyment out of anything like I did when Sue was here, I hope that will change in time, but when is anyone’s guess. At the moment if I don’t feel like something, I just don’t do it, simple as that. I definitely will not be pushed.

These pages get at least a dozen views a day, that is either incredibly low, lol, or ridiculously high, lol. Well, it tells me that there are people who care, or are just plain nosey, lol, now bugger off and read something meaningful, lol. Hopefully, by now, you will know my sense of humour is as daft as it can get, so that was a joke, and it is that that helps to keep me going, oh and a good dose of cricket, but I am not talking about that now.

You will be pleased to know that I am typing this on my pc using Word. I have also reinstalled Photoshop and Lightroom on my pc, after the crash of last year, the newer versions of each, both a few weeks ago, several weeks apart, mind you, I have not opened PS, and LR just the once or twice. Mind you, I could only just work the old versions, gawd knows what I will be like on the newer ones. Like most things, one day, that is my moto, one day.

‘ows zat, no, I told you not to mention the cricket.

31.3.11 - I see people are still looking, maybe I ought to try to add a few more words now and again, try to bore you all away lol. I have found myself going to the cinema a bit more than I ever did, esp by myself, I haver seen Limitless today, the other day I saw Battle LA, before that, no, that is not the name of a film, Unknown. Tomorrow with mum going to see The Eagle.
Crikey this house is too warm this evening, it was a bit chilly last night, but I am roasting, even though I doubt the thermometer is above 12c. I find that temperature very fair, to be honest, as my pond is also 12c. So the koi can't grumble that I am any warmer than they are. Actually, I had better keep quiet, I just checked the temperature in my hallway, 13.3c, no wonder I am roasting. Whip to my thread on my pond build for two new pics, from my mobile.

11.4.11 – I wanted to add this link is, it is one of Sue’s school friends charitable swim across the Channel in the late summer of 2011 for cancer research http://www.justgiving.com/Anna-Gomori-Woodcock

20.4.11 – I thought it was about time I updated again. I washed the car last night, took two hours or more. That was just the outside! When I got the car in late 2007 I washed it weekly, kept it, almost, spotless. Then in October 2008, well, we know what started, or didn’t start! Anyway, no time for bitterness, but I am like an elephant, I don’t forget, nor forgive. Where was I, waffling again, oh yes the car. Some dirty old bird had placed or dropped a few droppings on the car and these unfortunately stained the paintwork, but it happened sometime during 2009/2010, so it was not a high priority and I neglected it, actually didn’t see it for ages, by then the damage was done. Anyway, the car has not had a proper clean for well over a year or two and I just got this inspiration to clean it. When I get an inspiration then act, I must. As they are few and far between. That is how this update aspired. I polished the bird droppings as best I could, then washed then waxed then did the alloys. Then walked Bess, about 9pm last night. I walk Bess as late as I can, when it is dark, considering the dark scares me, I like walking after dark, it is quiet, peaceful, and usually no one around, perfect.

I decided to purchase a new phone, that sort of came out of nowhere as I was more than happy with my old phone but I fancied one of those smart phones, so I got one. I made a decision that I would not copy over Sue’s photo’s or her number. It wasn’t that I wanted to forget, that is not possible, but felt I have photo’s at home and memories in the head and staring at her photo on my phone was not “healthy”. I would look at the photo and run my fingers over it.

One of the first things I did when I got the phone was have a play with the video camera on it, I have never used a video camera and whilst this may be a phone the quality is mind blowing, even on my TV. Check it out, go to www.youtube.com and search for yodaquicksilver, my name, and you can see a few short films, only a minute or two, of my pond / koi and rockery. The phone also has GPS, so I downloaded an application called Viewranger, this can pinpoint my position very accurately and I can download OS maps to add to it if I wish to. It can track my travels on an included free open map, so when I go for a walk it tells me where I went, as if I didn’t know after all I was just there, lol, and tell me how fast I was walking, quite quickly, usually. I tried to log into the account but seem to have confused the system by using two different emails! I had to open a Gmail account as Google own Android. But that email is just for those situations, I will stick to my Yahoo email and my original “Demon” Outlook email for all other emailing things, not that I look at Outlook much, but am typing this on the PC using Word. I just called Viewranger, what I did was call my Gmail account .co.uk, rather than .com! No wonder I confused the system.

I hope to do a Dartmoor walk sometime in May, I know the one I will do, it is about 13.5 miles, missing the lake, the phone told me how far after I plotted the course, if I was to include the lake that would add several miles, I guess, not plotted that, mmm, might be best doing that add on another time.

Waking up is a nightmare, in fact I had a nightmare this morning; I was lying in a corner, curled up, crying and shaking. Coming to first thing is never a pleasant experience. It even takes me a short while to get out of bed, go to the foot of the bed where I keep my flask to make my tea!

I will endeavour to clean the inside of the car sometime over the next few days.


4.5.11 – I did finish cleaning the car, I did the whole thing over three evenings in total. Looked quite good after.
I walked Cheddar yesterday and those pesky blisters made a pesky reappearance. Still not painful, thankfully. I even stopped mid walk to dress them, the toe still blistered by the end of the wealk, though it wasn’t until today I saw it. There was also one on the side of the foot, never did feel it, still, I dressed it mid walk as well, it is a bit oozy today, but no pain. I did take two very very short videos of Bess jumping a stile and some bluebells. Go to youtube, then search for yodaquicksilver, and check them out. A good friend found them that way, so I know it works. I walked Bess to a perfect heel, ok, with a bit of input from me, through a field of sheep and lambs, it wasn’t until after that leg that I thought I should have tried filming it. Would have made Barbara Woodhouse proud. The walk was 11.9 miles. Four and a half hours, max speed 5mph, ave 2.6mph. Ahh, technology.
I plan Dartmoor for 11th May.
I did do a walk around the Forest of Dean last week, I added a new bit on, so the walk that was an hour became two hours, mind you that included a stop and having to check the map, so less those two inconveniences, I recon an hour and a half, or so. I went near a small lake or very big pond, I did take a few photos, but not yet got around to checking them out, there’s a surprise. Give me a few weeks…

15.5.11 – I am using Twitter a bit, so feel free to read my ramblings there. Just click on the Twitter icon at the top, I don’t think you have to actually “follow” or be a “follower” to read them.
39 weeks or 9 months to the day and date that I lost a wonderful wife, but gained a Guardian Angel.
Not looked at the pix yet, but have installed Capture One Pro 6, my raw converting software for images. So I know have that, LightRoom and Photoshop back on my computer. Its been such a long time that I last used them I will, some time, have to try to remember how to turn the little blighters on. Time is flying, of that there is no doubt.
I have been helping dad with his paperwork, he got a bit behind with his SOPs and Health and Safety stuff. All great stuff to do. I must admit that the pharmacy inspector has been very helpful. I know it is all stressing dad out, but I am trying to figure it out, pretty much done that, and explained that it s not really that hard. Good advice, eh!
Anyway, I have a pond to clean, well, it is self cleaning now, just needs a hand with a few valves and knobs, same as it has always been, a joy.


16.6.11 – Sending another £70 for the bears and all animals that Animals Asia support. New total. £782.95.


17.7.11 – Blimey another month gone! Slowly sliding towards winter, yuk. Not even had a summer yet. I notice this page still gets a few hits, so thought I ought to put a little update here. Not a lot major happening. Been using Twitter for a while, that is good fun for me, not sure about those that it involves, but hope they enjoy my banter and humour. Humour is my main course these days, I try to see the funny side of most things, not always easy, often decidedly not at all. But I do laugh and smile to myself quite a bit. I think a lot of my pain and frustration is inside, but all in all doing ok, thank goodness for mum and dad, without them, goodness knows. I would be struggling. I have also done a few walks on Dartmoor and will try to keep that up monthly, and do Cheddar weekly. Sometimes they are fun and enjoyable, much of the time they are moving and thought provoking. Especially in the mornings. I have uploaded a few more videos to you tube, again search for yodaquicksilver for them. Just a few walks, pond and cats. Not very exciting. Not edit or anything, just as is. My concentration is quite low, I start something then wonder off to something else, never really finish what I started, well it does eventually get finish, but there are lots of things that is a work in progress. Cleaning the house is one of them. But sod it it is only me, Bess doesn’t mind and I don’t give a hoot!
Bess is doing very well, she is incredibly well behaved, her improvement has been since Pippa died early last year and has just continued, she is very friendly to most people. I went to my local Snow and Rock store, they allow dogs in and several people were able to pat her and commented on her good condition.
I keep myself to myself and this suits me just fine for the moment. I enjoy the interaction on Twitter when it happens. I have never been a great sociable person, walking in the opposite direction from the crowd.
I have put up a new thread on here, if you have not looked click on Recent and you can see pix and a few words from my last two Dartmoor walks. Whoever is out there checking up on me, thanks, it is appreciated and makes me come on here and add more now and again. I am still alive and kicking.
I have recently been getting this idea of a wild camp on Dartmoor, but it won’t be until next year, if it happens at all.


5.8.11 – I don’t cry much, haven’t really cried much the whole last year. A few times, of course, but not as much as I would have expected. I don’t know why. Stiff upper lip, more my humour and stupidity I think. I usually try to occupy my mind with some silly idea or other. But the sadness is ever present, the emptiness always around the corner. I feel it most after doing something, or talking to someone, or a combination of both, that / they are like my little escape for a few moments, then the realisation that there is no one to share it with, no one really special. Sharing it with Fred Blogs is worthless. I made that name up, I wonder if he Twitters. Another simple escape. Of course those that are part of the initial enjoyment must not be offended by the follow up comment!

We are fast approaching the 1st year of Sue’s passing. I cannot believe time has flown so quickly.

This week has seen two occasions of tears. Once on the way back from Cheddar earlier in the week, I was remembering those responsible, and the one person who helped Sue and gave her an extra eleven months. It was the joyful thought of those extra eleven months that hit like a freight train, driving and crying is not wise, nor safe; thankfully I timed it right by a lay by.

This evening saw more tears for the second time this week. I was remembering the most stupidous, but so funny and sweat, and daft and wonderful, thing that I said to Sue a few times near the end, something that most probably if anyone else had said it to anyone else it would have been potentially so offensive, but it summed our loving funny relationship up to the hilt. Sue’s reply to my comment, I have probably said it before here, I can’t remember, I have not re-read this, in Word I can see lots of red squiggly lines, so the grammatical errors must abound, anyway, I diverse, the reply that Sue would give to my silly little comment, was, with a wonderful warm loving smile, “I won’t”. It was in reply to me saying, “don’t pop off while I am out”. It just makes me smile so much now when I think it and say it to myself. It didn’t happen often as I seldom left Sue, but Bess did need a stretch of the legs, even if it was only a 15 minute trot around the block. I was always desperate to get back. I then remembered her little arm, reaching up for me. Bless her.

Right that’s enough of that sentimental clap trap.


26.8.11 – This is part of an email I sent to Sue’s friend, I hope they won’t mind me putting it here as it is quite expressive.
I just feel numb, can’t really explain how I feel as I don’t honestly think I know myself. I feel like I am drifting in the breeze*. I think Sue was my anchor, in a nice sort of way ;-) *I will add here, I think that is my way of getting through this, though. Doing it my way and thankfully no one is interfering.

This week been down with a tummy bug, you know the sort where you run to the loo, for three days, the weakening effects lasted all week, had two early nights, like 6.30pm and slept all through, almost! Walked Cheddar on Monday, mistake, should know my body by now. Did see Cowboys and Aliens Wed night with mum, very good, but even that caught up with me!

I think I just generally feel low. On the outside I look ok, like I am handling it, and I guess I am, but deep inside there is a lot going on. I guess the way Sue was “allowed” to be “taken” sticks in the throat as well. I have a lot of anger and bitterness. It is also only a week after a year!

Hopefully I will feel better as the weekend approaches, tummies a pain!

We’ll get there, Sue is sitting on my shoulder, I am sure she guides me sometimes. Probably kicking me as well ;-) I know at the end she was worried about me, she knew me inside out, better than I knew myself. Maybe there is such a thing as too much love and devotion. Nope, never. Would do it again a million times, given the chance. It is actually quite sad typing this.

28.8.11 – I have had an idea, no it’s not topping myself, you sad lot who keep reading this page don’t get off that easily. There’s plenty of life in the old dog yet! Yep, feeling fine now!

As you may have read above and on My Walks page here on pbase, I have been gassing on about sleeping out on Dartmoor one day next year, probably, possibly, potentially, maybe!

Well, two of Sue’s closest friends have done / doing things for charity, one wants to swim the Channel, I know and you lot think I am nuts, and another walked a 5km Race For Life in Sue’s honour. My dads shop as raised in the region of nearly £800 for Animals Asia.

All that got me thinking, whilst I am doing a sleep out on Dartmoor for myself, why not do it for charity as well, why not involve a few animals*. Now, in the immortal words of the late great Steve Irwin, its my turn.

*Not literally, you understand, I won’t share a tent with a lion or anything like that. Just Bess. Though anything is possible, my rules. Talking of which, I am going to keep it very very simply. I have set up a just Giving page, I need to call them to confirm a few things, as it doesn’t look quite right yet. I find it easier to ask how something works than figure it out, sometimes! I will choose 4 to 8 ish charities, all animals to go on my team page, one for all and all for one, I say. I am giving no target and no time frame, it is open ended, or until the page runs out, that is another thing I need to check out. If I only raise a pound that fine. Ultimately, by mentioning them here and on Twitter and maybe Facebook (that’s another story, one I don’t quite get yet!) that awareness will be raised, and that alone is fine by me. I want to keep it simple and I don’t plan to get directly involved (you won’t find me walking the streets or setting anything up!). It is me simply doing something that I want to try to do and if others can directly benefit, or even indirectly benefit, brilliant! Esp if they animals. For the moment watch this space, I will keep you posted here and elsewhere.

On the subject of camping my experience is somewhat limited. I have slept out in my parents back garden when a youngster, two nights of Bronze DofE (can’t say I enjoyed a second of that, bloody horrible!) and a week with a friend on a farmers field, that was an experience and at least 20 years ago. All in controlled situations or near others. The thought of camping gets me a bit excited by day and evening, but in the morning it has all gone! It comes back every time though. It’s the thought of waking up on a cold miserable wet soggy blustery hill in the middle of no where! But I find it exciting at the same time, well writing this now I do.

I have to get more gear as well, that is the fun part!

Oh, there was one other thing, to make it more “exciting” and worthwhile, it won’t be just once, at least after getting all this stuff, it had better not be just once. To give it some challenge, it will be at least one camp out for a night per season. So four a year in all seasons. Winter is easily cheatable; it runs from late December to late March! This is a minimum and it won’t necessarily be in one year, but hopefully, see my rules, and I can make them up as I go, it will potentially be spread over a few years, but hopefully four a year! Let’s just see. I know stacks of people do this sort of thing all the time, but I am far from most people. And that dark scares the shit out of me.


7.10.11 – I didn’t realise how long it was since I last updated this page. I have put a Wedding “Anniversary” walk description here so feel free to pop over there later, not now.

Today would have been Sue’s 44th birthday. While I was doing the above walk I decided that I would not walk on Dartmoor today. I did however go to the crematorium; I have put a picture at the bottom of this page from there, Bess and a cuppa. It was quite surreal; the weather was fine, warm with a pleasant breeze. It’s actually, forgetting “what it is”, a quite pleasant place to be. I got there dead on 11am and had a private minute silence. I then stayed by the plaque, sitting on my tea box drinking a tea for 15 minutes, then walked Bess around a field just behind the crematorium. All told I was in the vicinity for over 45 minutes.

Then irony of ironies! I got to mums a bit after 12 and she asked me to feel one of her elder cats. Trudy’s belly was bloated, it had not noticeably been like that yesterday. I took her straight to the vet, who after a good feel in the belly region, diagnosed cancer. I asked the vet to call mum to just confirm “my decision” that the kindest thing was to put Trudy down. It was not an easy decision for mum to accept, and I think she was looking for a way out. There was not one and I could offer no suggestion that any further help was called for. The cat was in a bad way and the vet said any investigations would have unfairly subjected the cat to more suffering with no hope of help.

I had the day before taken two male 6 month old cats to have their bits loped; I picked them up and took them back whilst at the vet.

I am doing ok in my own peculiar way; this week has had its ups and downs but on the whole has been quite entertaining on Twitter. I think I am probably driving people to distraction, but it’s all good natured and I enjoy it. You can go back and read that walk page now.

Dad handed me another £75 that his shop had raised. When I sent the last cheque to Animals Asia it occurred to me, in the nicest possible way, that I had raised a heck of a lot more that I ever dreamed possible and that any more money I would send to a different animal charity. I am sure those at Animals Asia will understand. So I have divided up the £75 and sent £37.50 each to Born Free Foundation and the Orangutan Foundation. So the new total in total is £857.95.

I will try to add a bit more here soon. This page still gets hits :-)

NB...
My PBase walk Descriptions
My page direct to Just Giving