Those cute tendrils represent a deadly threat. Three of our top technicians have been lost to them. To reveal anything else about them would probably start a panic, so I will say no more.

If you see these plants anywhere, leave the area immediately, say a prayer, and call 1-800-I-SAW-THOSE BAD-TENDRIL-THINGIES. Then seek medical attention or a good funeral home, as required.

When you call, please listen to the options in the automated menu system, as they have recently changed. Do not press "O" in an attempt to by-pass the menu, but do stay on the line because your call is important to us. Average wait time for callers, based on an internal audit, is 32 minutes.

The public must not know about the danger posed by these things, so a sanitized cover story has been released to aleviate any fears in the citizenry: these are harmless growths on the wall of a railroad cut near the town of Quincy in eastern Washington State.