......you disgusting instrument of torture!!!!!

I promised a true account of being me…..well here is “being me” today. I have spent over five hours in telephone conference calls and I have a sore ear (only one of my ears has good enough hearing to hear anything on the phone at the moment), a numb brain and a sudden urge to rush screaming from the room.

In fact, at one point today, I did just that……well, wouldn’t you if you’d just put down the phone after a three and a half hour extraordinary board meeting, when the phone literally started to ring again as soon as the handset was in the cradle and I was so desperate to spend a penny that I screamed at the caller “go away and call me back in five minutes”, then made a dash across the road from office to house and into the little room.

We have got a loo in our office building but unfortunately I can’t use it because there is an enlarger on top of it. DM uses the bathroom as his darkroom, not that he does huge amounts of printing these days. Well, except all that soft porn of his old girlfriends that he does while I’m away (only kidding – he’s DM, not my ex-husband).

At several points in the day, both my phones were ringing at once and at several more times, I was tempted to chuck the lot out of the window and hang the consequences. I struggled valiantly on and did all of my calls so if you see a mad old bird wandering around on the moor declaring herself completely “agin” all forms of modern life, you can be fairly sure she’s me.

So, I am sick to the back teeth of the phone and hope never to have to use it again. Let’s face it, what good is a phone anyway when there are no branches of Dominos Pizza within their delivery radius.

Not that I need Dominos to have pizza, in fact, I’m off downstairs now to get the dough out of the machine, roll it, top it with delicious toppings then shove the lot into a very hot oven, before sitting down to watch Sky Sports news to hear how those Spurs boys are doing in the Cup – COYS! (Oh and I begrudgingly say “the king is dead, long live the king” though I’ll NEVER believe the king being dead is anything less than a disgrace.)

last year, I was doing cack shots of lightbulbs - go take a look if you don't believe me. As for this phone, last time I shot it for my pad in early 2004, I had the piss taken out of me for having a corded phone. Well, it's still working and on a "waste not, want not" front, it's still in full use today!