This is day 1180 of my PAD/photo diary/blog - whatever you want to call it. I started on 8th March 2003, intending only to do a year, maybe not even a full year. I’d really only done it for two reasons:

1. something to do while DM was doing his
2. a more ‘representative’ picture of our lives – his PAD was always about the photos first and foremost, whereas mine was always about me and our lives.

I might have even stopped after ten months if David had stopped his after a year, but of course, as many PADders know, the process is addictive.

Now, I have effectively just committed myself to another few months at least because I feel very strongly that I will not just break David’s record then stop. In any event, I am not in any sense ‘ready’ to stop. I’ve been mulling over whether or not to stop for weeks now and have scrutinised why I’ve been doing this very closely.

So, for what it’s worth, here is why. I wanted and still do want to write. I’ve always been a diarist and this gives me a superb platform for this ‘diary’ even though of course this isn’t what I’d describe as a real diary. For me, a real diary has to be a secret – it has to contain ALL your hopes, dreams, triumphs and disasters. I’ve always tried my best to make this a frank account of being me but family and commercial sensitivities have sometimes prevented me from saying and photographing the things I’d like.

I upset my sister some time ago through something I said here in this forum, which I regret deeply, even though the fight lasted only a few days/weeks (to be honest I can’t remember). She also won’t let me name or photograph her boys in these pages and particularly given the last occasion we had to fight, I must respect that.

My Mum says she’s learned more about me through these pages than she ever expected to, though not all of it she’s pleased with – I DID get a ticking off for my comment yesterday, as I thought I would! BTW – ‘Happy Annies’ Mummy and Daddy – 47 years today!

The other reason for continuing is that I am actually quite scared that if I stop, my ‘creativity’ if I can be so bold/cheeky/big headed as to call it that, may cease to be. I know with absolute certainty that I would never have taken a self-portrait if I’d not been doing PAD. Likewise, burning chess boards, apples seeping blood, melted pegs, raw eggs falling naked from the sky, ice cubes in a saucepan of boiling water……none of these photos would have ever been taken if I’d not been doing PAD. Hell, I can’t imagine any circumstances in the world where I’d have taken a self-portrait treading on a heart and some broken glass. The shot is one that’s been in my mind for my ‘capturing songs’ gallery for some time. I had time today (off work) and I wanted a strong shot for my 1180th day so here it is. It's for 'Rescue me' by the Escape Club.

I’d never have learned the joys of the starburst filter or the pleasure and pain of the lensbaby. I’d certainly not have spent so much time photographing a little red satin heart (oh look, here it is again) that I sat, stuffing and sewing while I waited for a consultant appointment in my local hospital.

This is all a long-winded way (but would you have expected anything else from me) to say that I have (as Ron pointed out to me yesterday), loved the PAD experience. I’ve loved the friendships forged across time-zones and oceans. I’ve loved using my camera and seeing my photography exhibited and published. I’ve loved standing on a platform, talking about photography at the Philly Flower Show in 2005. Most of all, I’m proud of this achievement. I don’t care one jot that pride comes before a fall, nor do I care that there will be many out there who think all of this is garbage, I’ve not done it for anyone other than me. It’s my life in this book that I write everyday and my photo diary has meant that you can see a bit of what it’s like to walk in my shoes. (Boom boom)

So, on I go. What's weird is that I NEVER expected to be sitting here posting this. What's also deeply satisfying (and DM is happy and comfortable with this) is that no-one has ever got this far on a pbase PAD before.

Last year, we were on opposite sides of a barbed wire fence!!!!