….when all I wanna do is tear…

I hate these flaming curtains they’re not the colour of your hair
I hate these striplights they’re not so undoing as your stare
I hate the buttons on your shirt when all I wanna do is tear
I hate this bloody big bed of mine when you’re not here

Well I finally found someone to turn me upside down
And nail my feet up where my head should be
If they had a King of Fools then I could wear that crown
And you can all die laughing because I’ll wear it proudly

I’ll wear it proudly through the dives and the dancehalls
If you’ll wear it proudly through the snakepits and catcalls
Like a fifteen year old kid wears a vampire kiss
If you don’t know what is wrong with me
Then you don’t know what you’ve missed

With your arms and legs wrapped round more than my memory tonight
When the bell rang out and the air outside turned blue from
fright
But in shameless moments you made more of me than just a mess
And a handful of eagerness says what do you suggest?

I’ll wear it proudly – Elvis Costello – King of America

I’m so blue it’s not true. DM is off for five days to Le Mans for the fourth year in a row. There is only one good thing about this as far as I can see, this whole ‘Le Mans’ ritual is something that’s only existed within the bounds of our relationship – in other words, it’s not a left-over thing from a previous life. That makes me feel as though our relationship has weight, meaning and gravitas – he’s been doing this thing for four years and for four years I’ve waved him off on Wednesday and not seen him again until Monday of the following week. His week will be filled with beer, camping, racing, one-pot food and little or no sleep.

It may seem strange that this is such a ‘big deal’ for me – after all I go away on business regularly and I was away myself in March for five nights before he joined me in NYC. I have absolutely no right to complain and I’m not complaining. I’d never impose my wishes on him, he has to have his own time when he wants it. I’m just observing that I’ll miss him like hell and won’t rest until he comes home next week.

Rather pathetically (or rather romantically for the less cynical though I suspect most would see the former) I hate being apart from this man who has righted my world over the last four years. I hate it when I’m away on business but that feels different in as much as I HAVE to go if I am to keep my job and like it or not, my job supports us and gives us the freedom to do all of the other things we enjoy.

My five days will, I know, be achingly lonely (despite surrounding myself with my friends and colleagues). It’s funny, I’m actually very good at finding stuff to do to keep me amused and occupied and it’s not that I don’t like my own company but I just prefer the company of other people to being alone.

A number of people have said to me this week ‘oh – David’s away, I expect you’ll be having fun with the girls then?’ That couldn’t be further from the truth. I hate ‘girlie’ things – I always reject invitations to girlie nights out and hen parties – they’re just not my thing at all. I’d rather sit at home with the dogs. In fact we’re similar in this respect. A couple of times David has been invited away for ‘boys weekends’ and has never discussed them with me but always declined the invitations unbidden by me.

He says, as I feel, if you are with someone then that’s because that’s where you want to spend your nights. I am forced to spend time away from home on business but when I have a choice I’ll always go home. I often drive a 500 miles round trip and present all day so I can spend my night in my own bed rather than some crummy hotel room. For me it’s a simple matter of wanting to spend what precious little free time I have with the man I love. Goodness knows there is little enough of it in my life, I have to grab every opportunity to be with this one special person. Mind you, this has got me into trouble on more than one occasion.

So I am the uncrowned ‘King of Fools’ because this is so important to me. And I don’t care who dies laughing because I’ll wear it proudly as the song says. And as for the handful of eagerness? Well, let’s just leave that there shall we!