I know Iím milking my starburst filter but you know, you buy these things, you have to feel you get some use from them!!
Todayís flavour is good old Gin, something to which Iím a bit partial although Iíve never tried this little beauty that Ian brought along last weekend. It looks really good mind you, it has all sorts of ingredients that I would never have thought would end up in Gin, such as almonds, lemon peel and cinnamon. I always knew there was juniper in Gin but hadnít thought beyond that really.
Iíve been thinking about motherhood for a number of reasons, my sister and her brood were here yesterday as you know and I commented on us being child-less. Itís quite unusual for a couple to get together so late in life (groan) and both partners to be child-less I suppose now I come to think of it so I thought Iíd tell why this is so for me at least. Itís a bit on the sad side but has a happy ending!
Once upon a long time ago, when I was a very young woman, I was head over heels in love and managed, just through a series of mishaps and strange events to get my heart well and truly broken Ė who out there either in my real life or indeed in my cyber life hasnít experienced the pain of a broken heart? No, be honestÖ..? I had thought my destiny was to marry young, become a mother and live happily ever after but it wasnít to be.
I vowed never to have children unless I found someone else who I could love as much as the person who inadvertently had broken my heart. I never did find that person so remained child-less all of my adult life. For most of the time I was just too messed up to function normally so I just built this child Ėhating persona that I polished to perfection to save me having to look at the children of family and friends and know I would never have that experience. Itís just one of those sad quirks of fate that happen to people. Only when I met someone who I loved as much or more would I reconsider my vow.
Less than four years ago I met that man Ė the one who Ďnails my feet up where my head should beí to quote EC every time he walks into the room. The one whose eyes pierce my very soul when he gazes at me and make me feel as though Iím the only woman alive when he looks at me. But of course by the time we met I was hardly in any fit state to think about such things. I was so busy scooping myself up off the floor and allowing myself to actually FEEL something for the first time in so many years I couldnít count them, that I didnít even think of biological clocks or children.
My life opened up again. I saw colour and good things around me for the first time in so long. Iíd forgotten how to enjoy myself so I just had a good time. I knew I loved this man so absolutely that my vow could be reconsidered. But, for whatever reason itís not going to be for us.
Itís such a shame really because with DMs wonderful Nordic good looks and his creative talents and my tenacity, determination and quick-wit, I reckon weíd have had a brood of right little treasures with such fabulous qualities that theyíd have been talented, wise, beautiful and successful. Iíd have loved to see our genes mixed up together in another person.
So I find myself in my mid-40s and almost scared of children. I just donít know how to communicate with them. I can see the bemused looks on their faces when I try. I get a shock when I feel the skin of a small child and feel its strangely soft texture. I am amazed at the things they say and do.
My life then isnít ever going to experience the joys and heartaches of parenthood but thatís fine. Iím completely happy with where I am. I love our life and our little family of animals. I also know that my career wouldnít have been so successful and I wouldnít have been able to experience many of the other things I hold dear if things had been different. Most of all I love David and weíve still got a lot of catching up of good things to do before we grow old (together of course).
Oh and of course, I donít have to worry when I sip a GíníT that Iíll be a ruined mother!