I know I’m milking my starburst filter but you know, you buy these things, you have to feel you get some use from them!!

Today’s flavour is good old Gin, something to which I’m a bit partial although I’ve never tried this little beauty that Ian brought along last weekend. It looks really good mind you, it has all sorts of ingredients that I would never have thought would end up in Gin, such as almonds, lemon peel and cinnamon. I always knew there was juniper in Gin but hadn’t thought beyond that really.

I’ve been thinking about motherhood for a number of reasons, my sister and her brood were here yesterday as you know and I commented on us being child-less. It’s quite unusual for a couple to get together so late in life (groan) and both partners to be child-less I suppose now I come to think of it so I thought I’d tell why this is so for me at least. It’s a bit on the sad side but has a happy ending!

Once upon a long time ago, when I was a very young woman, I was head over heels in love and managed, just through a series of mishaps and strange events to get my heart well and truly broken – who out there either in my real life or indeed in my cyber life hasn’t experienced the pain of a broken heart? No, be honest…..? I had thought my destiny was to marry young, become a mother and live happily ever after but it wasn’t to be.

I vowed never to have children unless I found someone else who I could love as much as the person who inadvertently had broken my heart. I never did find that person so remained child-less all of my adult life. For most of the time I was just too messed up to function normally so I just built this child –hating persona that I polished to perfection to save me having to look at the children of family and friends and know I would never have that experience. It’s just one of those sad quirks of fate that happen to people. Only when I met someone who I loved as much or more would I reconsider my vow.

Less than four years ago I met that man – the one who ‘nails my feet up where my head should be’ to quote EC every time he walks into the room. The one whose eyes pierce my very soul when he gazes at me and make me feel as though I’m the only woman alive when he looks at me. But of course by the time we met I was hardly in any fit state to think about such things. I was so busy scooping myself up off the floor and allowing myself to actually FEEL something for the first time in so many years I couldn’t count them, that I didn’t even think of biological clocks or children.

My life opened up again. I saw colour and good things around me for the first time in so long. I’d forgotten how to enjoy myself so I just had a good time. I knew I loved this man so absolutely that my vow could be reconsidered. But, for whatever reason it’s not going to be for us.

It’s such a shame really because with DMs wonderful Nordic good looks and his creative talents and my tenacity, determination and quick-wit, I reckon we’d have had a brood of right little treasures with such fabulous qualities that they’d have been talented, wise, beautiful and successful. I’d have loved to see our genes mixed up together in another person.

So I find myself in my mid-40s and almost scared of children. I just don’t know how to communicate with them. I can see the bemused looks on their faces when I try. I get a shock when I feel the skin of a small child and feel its strangely soft texture. I am amazed at the things they say and do.

My life then isn’t ever going to experience the joys and heartaches of parenthood but that’s fine. I’m completely happy with where I am. I love our life and our little family of animals. I also know that my career wouldn’t have been so successful and I wouldn’t have been able to experience many of the other things I hold dear if things had been different. Most of all I love David and we’ve still got a lot of catching up of good things to do before we grow old (together of course).

Oh and of course, I don’t have to worry when I sip a G’n’T that I’ll be a ruined mother!