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Linda A | all galleries >> Galleries >> Every Day I Write My Book - 2004 diary > 17th May 2004 - Mother's Ruin
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17th May 2004 - Mother's Ruin

I know Iím milking my starburst filter but you know, you buy these things, you have to feel you get some use from them!!

Todayís flavour is good old Gin, something to which Iím a bit partial although Iíve never tried this little beauty that Ian brought along last weekend. It looks really good mind you, it has all sorts of ingredients that I would never have thought would end up in Gin, such as almonds, lemon peel and cinnamon. I always knew there was juniper in Gin but hadnít thought beyond that really.

Iíve been thinking about motherhood for a number of reasons, my sister and her brood were here yesterday as you know and I commented on us being child-less. Itís quite unusual for a couple to get together so late in life (groan) and both partners to be child-less I suppose now I come to think of it so I thought Iíd tell why this is so for me at least. Itís a bit on the sad side but has a happy ending!

Once upon a long time ago, when I was a very young woman, I was head over heels in love and managed, just through a series of mishaps and strange events to get my heart well and truly broken Ė who out there either in my real life or indeed in my cyber life hasnít experienced the pain of a broken heart? No, be honestÖ..? I had thought my destiny was to marry young, become a mother and live happily ever after but it wasnít to be.

I vowed never to have children unless I found someone else who I could love as much as the person who inadvertently had broken my heart. I never did find that person so remained child-less all of my adult life. For most of the time I was just too messed up to function normally so I just built this child Ėhating persona that I polished to perfection to save me having to look at the children of family and friends and know I would never have that experience. Itís just one of those sad quirks of fate that happen to people. Only when I met someone who I loved as much or more would I reconsider my vow.

Less than four years ago I met that man Ė the one who Ďnails my feet up where my head should beí to quote EC every time he walks into the room. The one whose eyes pierce my very soul when he gazes at me and make me feel as though Iím the only woman alive when he looks at me. But of course by the time we met I was hardly in any fit state to think about such things. I was so busy scooping myself up off the floor and allowing myself to actually FEEL something for the first time in so many years I couldnít count them, that I didnít even think of biological clocks or children.

My life opened up again. I saw colour and good things around me for the first time in so long. Iíd forgotten how to enjoy myself so I just had a good time. I knew I loved this man so absolutely that my vow could be reconsidered. But, for whatever reason itís not going to be for us.

Itís such a shame really because with DMs wonderful Nordic good looks and his creative talents and my tenacity, determination and quick-wit, I reckon weíd have had a brood of right little treasures with such fabulous qualities that theyíd have been talented, wise, beautiful and successful. Iíd have loved to see our genes mixed up together in another person.

So I find myself in my mid-40s and almost scared of children. I just donít know how to communicate with them. I can see the bemused looks on their faces when I try. I get a shock when I feel the skin of a small child and feel its strangely soft texture. I am amazed at the things they say and do.

My life then isnít ever going to experience the joys and heartaches of parenthood but thatís fine. Iím completely happy with where I am. I love our life and our little family of animals. I also know that my career wouldnít have been so successful and I wouldnít have been able to experience many of the other things I hold dear if things had been different. Most of all I love David and weíve still got a lot of catching up of good things to do before we grow old (together of course).

Oh and of course, I donít have to worry when I sip a GíníT that Iíll be a ruined mother!

other sizes: small medium original auto
brother_mark18-May-2004 21:54
Oh yeah, and you're using that filter nicely, even if it is a 1970s wedding photographer cliche. ;) LOL. Sorry.
brother_mark18-May-2004 21:52
I say spend some more time with your nephews. Lose that "child-hating persona." But try to avoid the child-craving one, as in "I must have my own or I'll die" craziness. Just be yourself with them. They'll love you first because you're family and second because you're you.
Guest 18-May-2004 21:28
Linda, your writings so often rip open a place in me that is rarely touched and at the same time comfort me in a way I can't explain. I often don't comment simply because whatever I have to say seems lacking to the effect your post has had on me. I'm a firm believer that "having everything" isn't the key to real joy in life but experiencing what you have fully is one of them. May you enjoy the ride to the fullest!
Guest 18-May-2004 20:45
It's not often that I find such truthful and honest words on the internet. Your writing has really touched me today, even if I have not yet considered starting a family (I'm still looking for the one that will fill make my soul sing) the feeling you manage to convay over what you have shared with the world today is so strong even people in my position can relate!

PS. Bombay Sapphire... EXCELLENT CHOICE!
Guest 18-May-2004 05:37
Thanks for sharing Linda. My partner and I are in our 30's, and while we can't biologically have children together (being we're both men!) we have also chosen to not look at other means of parenting such as surrogate mothering or adoption. We are both happy with who we are and love each other so much that we can't imagine bringing children into this mix. I admire parents greatly, and love other people's children, but I am far too selfish to have a child. We enjoy the children of friends and family as much as we are able, and when we have had our fill, we hand them back to mommy or daddy. Often full of sugar or other treats that make them hyper for hours!! ;>)

So I will have some of this lovely concoction as well in toast to you. The Bombay Sapphire is fantastic, though I prefer mine in a martini, very dry, with olives;
Michael Todd Thorpe18-May-2004 02:52
Wow, Linda. Great story. And thank you for sharing it with us. It's good to see someone else who is doing well for not having kids, and surviving that decision well too! I hope the two of you are always this happy!!!
jude17-May-2004 23:48
Linda.. i am only allowed one allotment of tears per day per court order.. That's hardly fair as I was saving mine for a Hallmark card commercial on the telly tonight.

Your words are perfect .. thank you
Oh and I like the effect. I have no idea what that sparkle lens is but it's great.
Ray :)17-May-2004 23:27
I was riveted by your story that I momentarily forgot what was in the photo!! I believe in fate and I'm sure its nature's way of controlling population growth and making us all different so that our species is stronger. From a selfish point of view, if you would have had children, you may never have PADed and none of us would have met you!
Guest 17-May-2004 21:45
I love the effect! right! If I would buy it - no bottle shot would be left behind! I say starbust them all! lol looks good!
Guest 17-May-2004 21:40
...I think it's a shame too, because you would have been a great Mum! In my mind there is nothing in this universe that compares with stroking that soft silky skin and staring at the face of a tiny sleeping person, or hugging them SO tightly and them hugging you right back. Yesterday when we were with you and Edward fell over, I was overwhelmed with emotion... not panic or worry that he was badly hurt, but the feeling of this tiny life needing me and depending on me so much. When we floated away in the hot air balloon yesterday morning, James was waving to us, tearful because he was going to miss Mummy, Daddy and Nanny so much, even though we would only be gone a couple of hours. the feeling of being loved this much is the most powerful emotion I could ever imagine.

BUT, you do have two little nephews who love you so very much. They have no idea that you feel awkward or clumsy in their prescence, they just love you for what they see, so you must be getting it right - they are very perceptive little guys. You could share all this love they have, and all the hugs, hold their silky little hands, hold deep and meaningful conversations with them about the meaning of life... in fact, you could be a big part of their lives and get all the good bits without what I'm told is the hard work (I don't see that bit), all you have to do is see more of them. They love you already, now they would like to get to know you better!
Guest 17-May-2004 20:55
Now I know what to get in the duty free on the way home. Great shot and story.
penny roots17-May-2004 20:14
What a wonderful and touching story Linda , and one I can relate too . I think David is a very lucky man to have someone who loves him as much as you do . I will raise my glass
( of G&T ) and toast to the two of you (growing old together , but not too quickly !! )
northstar3717-May-2004 19:19
I never thought I'd have any and then three came along at once. Lovely sparkle, looks like liquid diamonds.
Guest 17-May-2004 19:18
Linda, your story (took me three times just to read through it!) is just so moving and one I can very much relate to in several ways. Being the happy camper you are now, is truly a gift in itself. I agree with Jill, open up that bottle and toast your life and all you have to be thankful for. ! Thank for sharing such a personal part of you
Jill17-May-2004 19:00
Having children does not validate who we are..I waited late myself to have Erica. Thirty years old and had felt just as you had prior. Hense the wait. There are many ways of loving and you do it so well with others, your animals, your friends. As much as I would like to see a little Linda I am blessed in knowing THE Linda.

Now open that gin and lets make a toast to just being well adjusted and happy.
Robin Reid17-May-2004 18:57
Linda ... a very moving post. The fact that you FOUND your man a few years back is glorious. What a gift.
I'm still looking for my 'gal' and I'm in my sixties with two failed marriages... and luckily no kids. My business partner says every "pot has a lid" ... so I still keep an eye out for my lid.
I'm very touched my your warmth and openness.
Guest 17-May-2004 18:52
As another who is childless and staying that way, I have to say, that I have SOO many other things in my life that I can't imagine giving up. Having children would change my life so much that I can't IMAGINE how I would deal. All the selfish things I do...stay up too late, drink too much (lol!) spend all my money on camera stuff, and travel to NYC at the drop of a hat to meet nutty people just like me!! I love my niece and nephews like mad, but I think my life is the way it should be. I'll drink a toast to you later!! XXX
Guest 17-May-2004 18:48
First of all, I love that starburst filter! Second - a great shot of a great bottle with a great content! Third - a very touching story that I can relate to. I am glad that you are happy about things now, it´s no use to be sad about things you can´t do anything about anyway. 4 - I looooove G & T!
Guest 17-May-2004 18:36
Thank you for your story Linda. Children aren't necessarily easy, even when you're used to them.
The good thing is that people who are still children haven't learned an any more complicated version of love than has your dog. Hold them and close your eyes. All the love you can possibly pour in to them will be returned...better and, purer than we people who are no longer children can manage.
It's a joy you should not go your life without experiencing.
virginiacoastline17-May-2004 18:36
There's just nothing else to say!
Guest 17-May-2004 18:34
I was very moved by this post today, Linda! Children are wonderful, but so is having the time, love, and energy to completely focus on the love of your life. As much as Joel and I love our sons, we sometimes wish there were more opportunities for him and I just to have time for US. As far as this photo goes, I love the way you lit this, and that star filter really adds a little punch to it. Nicely done!