I was scared near to death. There I stood in your bedroom closet, your husband stuttering and talking in a overly calm voice that even to me, sounded fake. It was obvious that he didn't expect you home this time of day. It is after all 2:15 in the afternoon- we thought you'd still be at work. Why aren't you at work? Ted was smart enough to run to the shower. My knees get weak just thinking about what would have happened if we had waited to get to the bed before having sex on the nicely polished hard cherry wood floor.. my shoulders are no doubt bruised. I can't believe how labored my breathing is right now. I'm fighting to take a breath, while at the same time keeping relatively quiet. . at one point I thought I was going to pass out, due to my shallow breaths so carefully taken.
Don't cry I keep telling myself... STOP CRYING !! By shear luck I didn't wear perfume, just the beauty soap Ted had recently given me. How did I let myself get into this mess? If the closet window was lower, I'd climb out. Ridiculous! Who has skylights in their closets anyway! Damn my pager! Oh no.. OH NO!!!

her pager: "BEEEEEP! BEEEEP! BEEEEP! BEEEP!"

husband: [he can't believe that he didn't think about her pager on the floor in front of the closet, he had pulled it off of the belt around her waist, before pulling her dress off over her head]

wife: "Honey, your pager is going off, I thought you were off today?"

husband: "I told them that I'd help out in pediatrics today if they needed me, I didn't think they'd call- I better get to the hospital"

wife: "that explains the pager then, I thought for a moment you might've been messing around with one of those hot young nurses" (she says with a playful voice)

husband: "I'm not even remotely interested in any nurse"

wife: "well, you're a nurse, and I'm sure there's at least one pretty girl in that entire hospital that thinks my husband is good looking"

husband: "Cindy, I don't think the hot 20-year-olds are beating down the door to hook up with a 32 year old man"

woman in closet: [whispers to herself] "no, just really stupid doctors who are dumb enough to be standing naked in a married man's closet, while her pastel pink coloured pager blares away in the wife's hands..... Grrrrrrr I'm soooo stupid!!" [she steams at herself]

wife: "ok, I'm just suppose to run in and run out, Jan is waiting for me downstairs, I just came to pickup the cake"
husband: "oh thats right, Michell's retirement.."
wife: "hmmm we could have super brief 'quickie-sex'.."
husband: "I'd love that.. but.. I just showered, not to mention I've to get to the hospital"
wife: "ok, you've been a bore all week, sooooo late tonight, when you come home, I'll be wearing something tiny... and green"
husband: "I'll be ready for you"
wife: "you better be.. I'll see you tonight, bye"
husband: "see ya tonight"

At least I wasn't dumb enough to just burst right out of the closet. I waited for Ted to assure me that the coast was clear before coming out of hiding. "Oh damn!" I exclaimed out loud. "I feel so, so stupid!". I grabbed my pager and almost broke my neck as I attempted to run down the stairs in a pair of 6 inch 'F-me-heels'. I didn't know whether to feel guilty, stupid or just plain lucky.

I felt relief until I reached for my purse that had been left tucked away near the bread basket on the kitchen counter. It soon became apparent however that I had not only not been lucky, but had been made a fool of as well. There, on the counter, directly in front of my purse lay a strategically placed, very "conspicuously green" coloured condom.. brand new.. but out of the package.

Fear quickly set in and I made my way to my car parked on the alley. I was relieved not to see my BMW convertible spray painted with the words "harlet", "slut", or "cheater" across the hood. Moments prior to reaching the car, I opened my purse and reached for my keys and knew in an instant what my fingers had sunk into as the sweet smell of cake eminated from my $500 leather purse...