DO WHAT?!
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted!
RIGHTEO!
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals ........very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...
9/13 HE PUT THE D IN DEMENTIA.
Days Before 9/11 Anniversary Biden Admin Says TALIBAN Has Been “Businesslike and Professional”
THIS DOESN'T BODE WELL.
800 seats in heaven, your last three digit of your phone number determines your seat. No cheating
GROWING OLD, THE 2nd WORST THING YOU CAN DO.
STUPIDITY SHOULD BE PAINFUL!
HELL YEAH!!!
Your date tells you they used to be a sex worker. How do you react?
9/5 ROLL TIDE!!!
Breaking Records. ✊
Bryce Young is the first QB in Alabama history with 4 Pass TD in his starting debut.
Young breaks the record previously shared by Mac Jones and Joe Namath.
HE PUT THE D IN DEMENTIA.
8/27 HE PUT THE D IN DEMENTIA.
8/26 HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, LAUGHS.................?
GROWING OLD, THE 2nd WORST THING YOU CAN DO.
8/25 ♫ SIGNS, SIGNS. EVERYWHERE A SIGN .♫
YOU'RE DEAD WHERE YOU STAND!!!
8/23 GROWING OLD, THE 2nd WORST THING YOU CAN DO.
STUPIDITY SHOULD BE PAINFUL!
THIS IS WHY ALIENS PASS US BY.
PUNOGRAPHY
I don't know who needs to know this but even if a bear wears socks and shoes, he still has bear feet.
8/20 DOGS! YA GOTTA LUV EM!!!
THIS IS WHY ALIENS PASS US BY.
STUPIDITY SHOULD BE PAINFUL!
COMING SOON TO A STORE NEAR YOU.
OOPS, MY BAD!!!
Sitting at the ER. I dont really want to get into the details but the Dyson Ball Cleaner, is a very misleading product name
8/16 WORKS FOR ME.
"Lemon Pickers Needed, read the ad in the newspaper.
Ms. Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs, Florida, read it, and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.
She submitted her application for a job in a Florida lemon grove, but seemed far too qualified for the job. She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan, and a masters degree from Michigan State University. For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher.
The foreman studied her application, frowned, and said, "I see that you are well educated, and have an impressive resume.
However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said.
"I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, voted twice for Obama, once for Hillary and most recently for Biden.
She started work yesterday.
8/15 YOU GOT THAT RIGHT!!!
LIARS!!!!
They told me that a mask and gloves were all I needed to go into a store they lied, everybody else had clothes on
HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, LAUGHS.................?
THIS IS WHY ALIENS PASS US BY.
STUPIDITY SHOULD BE PAINFUL!
8/8 DOGS! YA GOTTA LUV EM!!!
YOU MESS WITH THE BULL, YOU WILL GET THE HORNS.
8/6 DOGS! YA GOTTA LUV EM!!!
8/4 DOGS! YA GOTTA LUV EM!!!
8/1 GROWING OLD, THE 2nd WORST THING YOU CAN DO.
♫ HERE COMES SANTA CLAUSE ♫
7/31 GROWING OLD, THE 2nd WORST THING YOU CAN DO.
7/30 FROM THE LAW FIRM OF SHYSTER & FINAGLE
GROWING OLD, THE 2nd WORST THING YOU CAN DO.
WALMARTIANS
So I am at Walmart scanning and bagging my almost $300 worth of groceries while the employee that wants $15 an hour "monitors" and then this happened.
Her - why are you double bagging all of your groceries?
Me - excuse me?
Her - you are wasting our bags!
Me - if you don't like the way I'm bagging the groceries, feel free to come on over here and bag them yourself.
Her - that's not my job!
Me - okay, then I will bag my groceries how I please if that's all right with you.
Her - why are you using two bags?!
Me - because the bags are weak and I don't want the handles to break or the bottoms to rip out.
Her - well that's because you are putting too much stuff in the bag. If you took half of that stuff out and put it in a different bag then you wouldn't need to double bag.
10 seconds of me just staring at her.
Me - so you want me to split these items in half and put half of them in a different bag so that I don't have to double bag.
Her - exactly.
Me - so I would still be using two bags to hold the same number of items.
Her - no because you wouldn't be double bagging.
me pressing two fingers to my left eye in an attempt to make it stop twitching.
Me - okay so here I have a jug of milk and a bottle of juice double bagged. If I take the milk out and remove the double bagging and just put the milk in the single bag and the juice in that single bag I'm still using two bags for these two items.
Her- no because you are not double bagging them so it's not the same number of bags.
me looking around at about 10 other customers who at this point are enjoying the show.
Me- is this like that Common Core math stuff I keep hearing about?
Her- never mind you just don't get it.
And with that, she went back to her little Podium so she could continue texting or playing games on her phone or whatever it was she was doing before she decided to come over and critique my bagging skills.😂😂
HOLY CRAP!!!
My wife Dixie Virden and I went to the auction in MEXICO Missouri the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
HE PUT THE D IN DEMENTIA.
HE PUT THE D IN DEMENTIA.
♫ SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN ♫
HE PUT THE D IN DINGLEBERRY!
7/21 TO SLEEP, PERHAPS TO DREAM.
SOMETHING TO PONDER.
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals", he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot Bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice from heaven asked, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well", said the Voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen."
♫ SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN ♫
AN IDEA WHOSETIME HAS COME.
BE ADVISED.
Warren Buffett Has Donated $4 Billion to Pro-Abortion Groups, Enough to Kill 8 Million Babies
7/15 ♫ SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN ♫
7/14 SOMETHING TO PONDER.
BE ADVISED. AVOID AT ALL COSTS!!!
7/13 SOMETHING TO PONDER.
QUOTE OF THE DAY FROM BEN CARSON :
" If someone asks about your educational background, proclaim boldly that: Church is my college. Heaven is my university. Father God is my counselor. Jesus is my principal. Holy Spirit is my teacher. Angels are my classmates. Bible is my textbook. Temptations are my exams. Overcoming Satan is my hobby. Winning souls for God is my assignment. Receiving eternity is my degree. Praise and Worship are my slogan. If you are a child of God bless you!
HE PUT THE D IN DINGLEBERRY!
7/10 ♫ SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN ♫
7/9 HE PUT THE "D" IN DINGLEBERRY!
♫ SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN ♫
DAMN STRAIGHT!!!
Starbucks hates cops and veterans but loves Demorats. It would be a shame if you shared this and they lost business.
7/7 GROWING OLD, THE 2nd WORST THING YOU CAN DO.
HE PUT THE D IN DINGLEBERRY!
7/6 IS A FRONTAL LOBOTOMY NECESSARY TO BE COME A DAMNOCRAP?
IT'S IN THE BOOK.
“A rattlesnake bit one of my sheep in the face about a week ago. Deadliest snake that lives around here. The sheep’s face swelled up and hurt her terribly.
But the old rattlesnake didn't know the kind of blood that flows through the sheep. Anti-venom is most often made from sheep's blood. The sheep swelled for about 2 days but the blood of the lamb destroyed the venom of the serpent.
I was worried but the sheep didn't care. She kept on eating, kept on drinking and kept on climbing because she knew she was alright.
Often the serpents of this life will reach out and bite us. They inject their poison into us but they cannot overcome the Blood of the Lamb of God that washes away the sin of the world and the sting of death. Don't worry about the serpent or his bite, just make sure that the Lamb's Blood is flowing through your veins.”
Author Unknown
7/5 THIS BAFFOON SHOULD BE HANGED, DRAWN AND QUARTERED.
Biden During Meeting About Florida Condo Collapse: 'You Know What's Good About This...'
THERE'S ONE IN EVERY CROWD.
♫ SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN ♫
HE PUT THE D IN DEMENTIA.
SOMETHING TO PONDER.
If they want to change, "Mom" to, "birthing person" what are they going to call fathers, "fertilizers?"
RIGHTEO!!
Nancy Pelosi was visiting a primary school in Tampa and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs. Pelosi if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Democrat asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Pelosi , "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Pelosi .
"That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Pelosi searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Pelosi , "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!" The teacher left the room
GROWING OLD, THE 2nd WORST THING YOU CAN DO.
GROWING OLD, THE 2nd WORST THING YOU CAN DO.
6/29 HE PUT THE D IN DEMENTIA.
HE PUT THE D IN DINGLEBERRY!
Report: Biden team forces out head of Border Patrol in whats being called an unprecedented move
GROWING OLD, THE 2nd WORST THING YOU CAN DO.
WHAT EVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT.
LEGALLY BLONDE.
An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
HE PUT THE D IN DINGLEBERRY!
6/20 DOGS, YA GOTTA LOVE EM
6/19 IS A FRONTAL LOBOTOMY NECESSARY TO BE COME A DAMNOCRAP?
GROWING OLD, THE 2nd WORST THING YOU CAN DO.
6/17 ♫ SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN ♫
♫ SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN ♫
6/13 THE FIRST C I - COW INFORMANT.
HE PUT THE D IN DINGLEBERRY!
HE PUT THE D IN DINGLEBERRY!
♫ SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN ♫
WHEN YOU SEE A FORK IN THE ROAD, TAKE IT!
6/6 ♫ SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN ♫
Decorative yard signs became very popular during the pandemic especially with people looking to find ways to celebrate milestones while social distancing. A new trend in yard signs has not one, but two yards in the Memphis-area going viral for their divorces.
HOLY CRAP!!!
Assistant Secretary of HEALTH!
If you get to the beach in Sun City Carolina Lakes, maybe you will see he/her there.
Dr Rachel Levine caught swimming. (His birth name was Richard Levine before she transitioned to be Rachel) Our new assistant secretary for health at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
LEGALLY BLONDE.
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of Arkansas, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby super-market to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the car running and the windows rolled up. Her eyes closed with both hands behind the back of her head.
He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay; Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour (at least it seemed that way to her, it actually had been 15 minutes, she blamed the inability to tell time on her head injury).
The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to move her hands.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. From the back seat a biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.
Linda is blonde, a Democrat, and a Biden supporter; but that could all be a coincidence.
The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and it was determined to be Trump's fault.
♫ SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN ♫
6/4 HOLY CRAP!!!
Last week, an audio clip from Hunters laptop was released that revealed he was bragging about smoking crack with former Washington D.C. Mayor Marion Barry.
♫ SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN ♫
6/1 ♫ SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN ♫
HE PUT THE D IN DINGLEBERRY!
♫ SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN ♫
GROWING OLD, THE 2nd WORST THING YOU CAN DO.
5/25 HE PUT THE D IN DINGLEBERRY!
BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, EVERY DAMN DAY!!!
5/24 SOMETHING TO PONDER.
3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286 ...
5/22 SAY WHAT?! OR NOT!!!
♫ SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN ♫
LOOK LIKE A SCENE FROM A HITCHCOCK MOVIE.
5/21 SOMETHING TO PONDER.
♫ SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN ♫
THAT'S GONNA LEAVE A BRUISE!!!
HE PUT THE D IN DINGLEBERRY!
♫ SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN ♫
♫ SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN ♫
LEGALLY BLONDE.
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.
SOMETHING TO PONDER.
What were electric eels called before electricity was invented?
HOLY CRAP!!!
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.
He pulls the guy over and says: You cant drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.
The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and theyre all wearing sun glasses.
He pulls the guy over and demands: I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?
The guy replies: I did, today Im taking them to the beach!
HE PUT THE D IN DINGLEBERRY!
5/15 HE PUT THE D IN DINGLEBERRY!
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".
Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words, "And May God Bless" with a big smile on his face.
HE PUT THE D IN DEMENTIA.
5/14 SOMETHING TO PONDER.
Hamas political leader and designated terrorist Fathi Hammad called on Palestinians in Jerusalem on Friday to buy cheap knives in order to behead Jews. Meanwhile, Democrats continue to cozy up to the Gaza terror group while condemning Israel for responding to attacks against it and calling to end or condition aid to the Jewish state.
HE PUT THE D IN DINGLEBERRY!
♫ SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN ♫
5/12 MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY
04-Mar-2010
I SAID OF LAUGHTER, IT IS MAD Ecc. 2:2
5/11 BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.
♫ SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN ♫
♫ SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN ♫
♫ SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN ♫
5/7 ♫ SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN ♫
♫ SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN ♫
ORDER IN THE COURT!!!
-Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
5/5 HE PUT THE D IN DEMENTIA.
♫ SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN ♫
5/4 HE PUT THE D IN DEMENTIA.
HE PUT THE D IN DEMENTIA.
5/3 HE PUT THE D IN DEMENTIA.
STARBUCKS AGAIN!!!!
Starbucks Employees Refuse To Work While Police Direct Traffic Outside
5/1 HE PUT THE D IN DEMENTIA.
HIS HEART WAS REALLY IN IT!!!!