Inner Peace during this political campaign
A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives during this political campaign, we should always finish things that we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished.
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Bayley‘s, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Waliuminun scriptins, an a bxo a choclutz. Yuz haz kno idr how fablus I feeeel rite now.
Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.
No parent left behind.
You cannot read these without laughing. They're real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district. Spellings have been left intact.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
10/23 The Donald to the HILDABITCH.
VIRGIN BRIDE ON HER 4TH WEDDING
A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride-to-be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
"Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning."
"WELL!," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness,
"I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.
"What about your third husband?"
"That one was a DEMOCRAT," said the woman," and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."
Out of the mouths of babes.
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say, "the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say, "the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head & said, "Oh God, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Just the facts
A police recruit was asked during the exam,
“What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
“Call for backup.”