Every now and then I see something in the store that speaks to me. Something that I see and I think “Oh my God. How have I lived for 42 years without this?” I love spicy things. Not hot. It’s never fun to eat something that makes you wish you were dead, but spicy I like. I also like Wheat Thins so when I saw Wheat Thins with a big picture of a pepper on them I thought “Oh my God. How have I lived for 42 years without this?” I bought them.
I got home with them and opened the box. I can not adequately describe the taste in this short prose. Suffice it to say that I was happy with my purchase. Hannah came over and tried a few. I could tell by her reaction that this could be trouble. She is my daughter and I would die for her. I would give her anything in the world.....except this box of Wheat Thins. Something would have to be done. I felt the need to keep this box of Wheat Thins out of her hands more so than keeping nuclear weapons out of Iran. Yes, something had to be done.
I could tell her to leave them alone, but then they would simply be a forbidden fruit, and we all know how THAT debacle turned out. This called for a more stealthy approach. We finished eating them and she went upstairs. She is 5’3” tall. The top shelf in the pantry is well over 6 feet. I put them on the top shelf, behind some liquor bottles, confident that they were sufficiently hidden. The truth of the matter was that I was blowing this out of proportion. Hannah had probably already forgotten about them. I was being silly and petty.
The next day I go to get my Wheat Thins but something wasn't right. No, something was far from right. The box was now on the third shelf. As I stared at the box, the box stayed still but everything around it zoomed out, kind of like that cheap cinematic effect. I reached for the box. I fully expected it to weigh what a box half full of Wheat Thins should weigh, though my brain tried to tell me the truth. As I pick it up it becomes painfully...almost tearfully, obvious that this box is empty. Not only did someone eat my Wheat thins but then they put the EMPTY box back on the shelf, mocking me purposely.
“ARE YOU KIDDING ME????” I yell, shaking the box toward Hannah. As I shake it, I can hear one solitary Wheat Thin in the box, clearly an attempt to circumvent the law that covers putting empty boxes back on the shelf.
Hannah is silent, but smirking with the most evil of smirks. Ella is frightened. Hailey doesn’t look up from her iPod.
“THIS ISN’T FUNNY” I boom. “WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS? WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE ONE FREAKIN WHEAT THIN???”
Hannah is simply staring at me like I have gone crazy. Staring like she knows the police are coming to take me to the psych ward but I don’t they've been called yet. She glances at Staci, presumably for help. Staci smiles.
“Yeah, real funny. Haha.” I say in my most honed sarcastic dialect.
I reach into the box and pull the one Wheat Thin out to at least savor the taste one last time before I have to go back to the store. As I pull it out, this is what I find.
I stare, disbelievingly, immediately disarmed. Not only was this plan hatched behind my back, but there was premeditation.
Now she is laughing. I start laughing. How can I not? Hannah tells me that I should be happy because I now have a picture for the day. Apparently she did this for my own good. To help me out with a picture.
Revenge is a dish best served cold.