Vindication?

Another V so soon?
The other V was a good one, vulnerability.
This one is just anyone’s guess.
If I did not write this entry I would delete this whole blog.
I would have to because it would all be lies and bullshit.
I could not longer call it the life project because it would not be.
"The life project" contains all kinds of life’s emotions.
There is anguish on the pages and there is Joy on the pages.
Happiness, sadness, decisions, confusions, anger, elation.
They are all there and many more emotions on the fringe.
They are degrees of different things that happened the last 18 months.
Little slices of my life on display here since May 6th 2007.
Sure, there is older stuff as well, completely unsorted in a new section.
I just added that yesterday which was interesting timing.
So why did I have to write this entry?
My ex-wife called me at 5:30 this morning.

BEFORE the emails and phone calls, I'm fine
There, had to get that one out of the way.

This entire project started the day she asked for a divorce.
All you have to do is read my words and you can see it.
The anguish and the pain and the hurt I felt through it all.
So I sat down to write this entry and explain it all.
I do feel vindicated about a lot of things in this.
Circles eventually do lead back to where they start.
Sometimes they start again and sometimes, well it was not a circle.
This one stopped being a circle a long time ago.
I will even admit that there were parts of me that wanted a circle.
That was also a long long time ago and that is totally gone from me.
I should be able to give the date that happened but I really can't.
Parts didn't want that right from the start of all this thing.
It is a slightly confusing jumble right now with all this info (TMI).
I didn't want to know any of this vindicating or not.
But as was her usual, she was not actually calling for me, but for herself.
I'll admit that some of it was good for my ego, but my ego was already fine.

I went back through "The Life Project" to find a picture.
One that might describe how she was feeling.
I mean there are so many photos of pain and anguish here.
How could I not find one that described her right now.
I was going to refer to it right here and say "This is where she is".
As I looked back I could not find any anguish or pain.
All I could see was joy and rebirth in my photos.
Sure, there was pain, but it was all leading somewhere.
It was leading me to ME, that is what this thing does.
Others may see it, but I live it.

Everything happens in its own time I guess.
I'm looking over my photos here and thinking "what if she called then".
I wonder if I would have been strong enough.
Would it have knocked me off track from my life?
Would I have seen as much as I have shown in here?
Would I have taken her back? (no fucking way!)
(I just threw that last one in, seriously, no fucking way)
In the end I let her speak her peace and be done.
Just like I probably would have done for anyone in the world.
She was hurting and needed to get that out and I let her.
I actually hope she found some peace in it and can move on now.
That is the double-edged sword of being a nice person sometimes.
I hope she does not mistake that for anything else.
The problem with it is that I am not even close to the same person she left.
All the feelings I had for her have been gone for a long time.
Strange that the ones that hung on the longest were anger and hurt.
And even those have dissipated over the last 18 months.
People grow and learn and become who they are eventually.
Sometimes it takes a lot of pain to get to that.
So the one who outgrew me did not grow.
And the one in anguish did nothing BUT grow.

I now have the picture in mind that I will refer you to.
I choose 5-13-07 not for her, but for me!
It is the "Hands" picture that means support to me.
Before even writing this I told 2 people about it.
Both of them reached under me and pulled me up.
Both in totally different ways but both supportive.
One of them pointed out that it puts yesterdays "tampon" picture in perspective.
It really does because that was about giving and caring.
It was about new discovery and the joys of life I feel.
It was about hugs and sugar plums and adventures and fear of living.
This is about trudging through pain and rejection and bile.

I knew it was going to happen eventually and I am kind of glad it is done.
As Spiderman would say, "Everyone gets one".
I just reset my phone to have no ringtone for her.

I am actually interested in how the effects me in the next few days.
Not that I am a psych experiment or anything, just curious.
My bet is that I handle it just fine.
I'm sure it will be pretty clear here if I am fine or not.

PS: So after all this I started unpacking the new Wii controllers.
Funny how life is sometimes.
(ok, one person in the world will get that)

UPDATE: It is 6 hours later and I am ticked.
The anger started during the call, but took a while to reach the top.
It kind of stewed uncomfortably inside me as it cooked.
"WTF" is the best description I can come up with for this.
I mean I know part of this was just the medication talking.
But how fucking disrespectful to me to call me and dump this.
I mean seriously, this was a problem all along.
Her complete lack of respect for me and how I felt.
It was all about her and her need to do everything for herself.
Nothing else fucking mattered in our lives together.
It was not just the med change, it was the disrespect of me.
It chaps my ass when it happens now, and it happened again this morning.
How can the one who left feel abandoned by the person SHE left?
That is what you have been doing for the past 18 months?
Comparing other guys to me and expecting to find better?
That was what this was all about you bitch?
You felt good and some guys flirted with you and so you left?
I am just speechless that you thought I would ever want you back.
I am stunned that you are still living in the same pain as 18 months ago.
I know I am sometimes vague so let me make this next line clear as a bell:
Fuck you bitch, don't fucking do that anymore.
I already know that message was delivered
(although the delivery person will probably say it nicer).
Just in case it is not clear yet, here is one more to know I mean it:
Fuck you.

Ok, I would say my anger is now "expressed".
Phew, I feel better getting that one out.
Have a nice day.