After an injury to my nose many months ago that would never heal correctly I decided to seek professional help from a doctor. Never seeing previous signs of cancer he informed me that I needed a biopsy to verify skin cancer. Just the word cancer can cause panic for me. The biopsy returned a positive for Basal Cell Carsonioma Cancer. So off to Springfield Illinois for Mohs surgery at SIU. No easy task for a mother of six wonderful children. The procedure was not painful, but no walk in the park. After the first surgery I returned to the waiting room for the lab results. As I walked through the office stares of fright and popping eyes glared upon me. Surely they must just be admiring my lovely eyes-hehe. I sat in silence waiting for the lab results and praying it was all gone. To my surprise the couple sitting across from me walked up to me and the woman said "Oh My G, does my nose look like that honey?!" to her husband. I thought I would fall over and sob in tears. Being a good husband he replied "Not even close, you don't look that bad". She smiles and returnes to her seat as her husband startes a few moments longer at my face. Now I am in the tear mode but holding it in. My cousin returns to the waiting room and we quickly exit to the hall. I can see my reflection in the windows-Big Bird's Sister I thought to myself trying to make the best of it all. My cousin is sweet and does her best to comfort me.
I compose myself not knowing if I should cry or laugh and return to the waiting room. I pull out the December 2006 issue of The Oprah Magazine to occupy my wondering mind. Being a photographer, if only at heart, I begin to focus on the images and study the light and poses of the lovely models in the ads...wow, that one has some nice light, this one has over done the softening and looks to plastic. Wait, did I say plastic? Thinking that is the only thing (plastic) that will be able to reconstruct my nose. Now slipping into a deeper depression and feeling sorry for myself crying I turn to page 16. Tears drop upon the page as I stare into a beautiful childs eyes in the photograph. The ad is of a child with cancer. Sporting a shinny blad head, eyes of hope and a gleaming smile. How could I feel so sorry for myself with basal cell carsonioma cancer when these precious children have terminal cancer. No cure, no pretty holiday hair dos, no happy holidays for them or their families even though they try to put on a good show in the name of Hope and Love. My tears continue and I pray for those who are so much more worthy of prayer than me. I thank God for my children, family, friends and loved ones. I should not feel sorry for myself. That little one in the ad could easily have been one of my children. Now I am mad at myself. I vow to think of others more and count my blessings being ever so greatful for all that I have.
The nurse returns. "You need to have more removed as there are still cancer cells shown from the lab results". I do not cry. I stand and follow her down the long path where I will again sit on a chair covered in white sheets knowing blinding lights will shine in my face and a knife will again pierce my skin. The doctor has told me the reconstruction will not be easy and is extensive. He recommends that I schedule surgery with a reconstructive specialist and go under general. With this he proceeds to mark my face where the incisions will take place and hands me a mirror. Not so pretty I think to myself and remember the child in the ad that had eyes of Hope and a huge smile. This gives me comfort and strength as I focus on praying for those children with cancer, the families who have lost a little one such as myself for other reasons. This surgery takes a new light for me. That there is someone out there who needs our prayers, comfort and support in much greater ways that I. I can get through this. This cancer has a high cure rate. It's just a nose and it is not needed to live a wonderful life with my family. I can live without many things and this is one of them. I no longer fear what I will face in the mirror. I have Faith. I have family. I have friends. I have Hope.
I return to the waiting room with an even larger dressing upon my face. I wait with hope in my heart once again. The cold stares and conversation of how large my nose is now no longer bothers me. The woman who earlier made comments about me now enters the waiting room with an even larger dressing this time with an uneasy look on her face. I assure her it is important the doctor takes all the cancer and looks are not what matters. We laugh and wait for our results.
The nurse comes over to me this time without calling my name. My heart sinks as I think I will need to have more removed but know it will be okay. Instead she tells me they found no other cancer cells this time. I am to quick to thank God for this as I listen to the home care instructions. My cousin takes notes as it is all blurry now. I just keep saying a thank you prayer over and over in my head and praying for that child in the magazine ad.
The nurse leaves and a turn to the woman across from me. I smile to her from my face in Hope she will feel it in her heart. I pray for her too.
I have reconstructive surgery scheduled for 12-13-06. Not something I look forward to. Rather something I have been blessed with the opportunity to have done.
My children come home from school to see Mommy with a huge dressing on her nose. I hug each one and count my blessings.
Do not feel sorry for me. But please pray for those who need the Hope, Faith and Love much more than I.
This image was taken by my daughter tonight. I felt with the holidays I should turn the nose dressing red, sport a smile and show how I have been blessed.

For more informaiton on BCC see these links http://www.skincancer.org/basal/index.php
http://www.webmd.com/hw/health_guide_atoz/stb17744.asp?navbar=aa32173
For information on the Mohs surgery see this link http://www.siumed.edu/medicine/derm/patinfo/mohs.htm

For information on Squamous Cell Carsonioma see these links http://dermatology.about.com/cs/scc/a/SCC.htm http://www.aafp.org/afp/20041015/1481.pdf http://www.skincancer.org/squamous/index.php http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Squamous_cell_carcinoma http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000829.htm http://www.aad.org/public/publications/pamphlets/sun_squamous.html http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/pdq/treatment/skin/HealthProfessional/page6 http://www.skincarephysicians.com/skincancernet/risk_squamous.html http://www.skincarephysicians.com/skincancernet/risk_squamous.html http://www.ucsfhealth.org/adult/medical_services/cancer/skin/conditions/Basal_Cell_Squamous_Cell_Carcinoma/signs.html http://www.healthscout.com/ency/68/526/main.html http://dermatlas.med.jhmi.edu/derm/result.cfm?Diagnosis=-1460047462 http://www.visualdxhealth.com/adult/squamousCellCarcinomaSCC.htm http://cancer.about.com/od/squamouscellcarcinoma/Squamous_Cell_Carcinoma.htm

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The sun is responsible for over 90 percent of all skin cancers, including BCC, and chronic overexposure to the sun is the cause for most cases of basal cell carcinoma. BCCs – the tumors themselves – occur most frequently on the face, ears, neck, scalp, shoulders, and back.


Update
As I write this I have had a call that a friend lost her 3 month old child yesterday in sudden infant death. My thoghts and prayers are with the family at this time. Life can be short but so very blessed with many wonderful things from above. Take this time to count your blessings and remember what matters most. Love you baby D!


Update 12-13-06
After a consultation with the plastic doctor I was given 4 different options.
1-Leave it to heal on its own. This will leave a chunck out of my nose. Yes, it is a large one too.
2-Skin graft. This would reomve skin from my neck and place it on my nose to close the area. This is a thin layer of skin and will not fill in the missing area. It could however, over time/years, fill in a little. The skin graft may not take as I am a smoker-soon to be non smoker-but have smoked for several years. This would result in all the skin turning black and dying...not good.
3-Forehead flap. This would be a section removed from my forehead and turned and placed over my nose. Again it may or may not take for above reasons. Will still leave scars on forehead, nose and cheek. Will thicken my nose area and pull the tip of nose up-oink oink effect-that would not be repairable.
4-Four Point Dog Ear Forehead Flap. This is a series of surgeries. Although it will give the best results what I have seen is that there is still disfigurement of forehead, nose, eye and cheek and scars. This is a major reconstruction that takes a committment to follow it all the way through.

At this point I will seek professional opinions about these and hopefully other options.

Update 12-28-06
I have found a doctor, Dr. Burget, from Chicago, Illinois that I will work with for the reconstruction of my nose. I will be having the big forehead flap surgery. This is the procedure
http://www.entusa.com/nose_reconstruction.htm and is graphic. This process will start in February and involve several stages of surgeries over a year or more of time.
I have stopped smoking for over a week now. Yikes! It hurts! If I can stop I know you can too. I will update after the first surgery. If you wish to see the images of the weekly progress you can email me and I will give you the password-very graphic gallery.

You may view the procedure by clicking this link. BE WARNED. THIS IS A VERY GRAPHIC LINK THAT WILL COME UP WITH GRAPHIC IMAGES. The images are not of me. Only the procedure that is recommended for me at this time. I do have the tip of my nose and nostrils intact.
Here is the link http://www.entusa.com/nose_reconstruction.htm